Small Copper Coins

Banana Head!

2012-02-01T20:57:00.005-06:00

Today I gave Caleb a bath before lunch... and then as he was eating he decided to stick his clean head of clean hair onto a spoonful of bananas that I was attempting to feed him. So what's a Mama to do? I used the sticky banana hair to give him a mini Mohawk, of course!

First World Problems

2012-01-26T20:19:00.002-06:00

My friend Mary, who blogs at Giving Up on Perfect, shared a post the other day about First-World Problems.

Have you heard of this trend? Evidently, it's big right now.

And kinda funny.

But also super sad.

See, all over the world, there are places known as Third-World Countries. And the people who live in these places have problems. Big problems. Real problems.

And then, there are we Americans and others who live in First-World Countries. And for some reason, we think we have problems too. Big problems. Real problems.

But our problems are nothing in comparison.

Yet still, we complain. And worry. A LOT.

And all the while, millions of people around the world would love to have our problems.

Sharing our First World Problems with each other can be funny... in that step-on-your-toes, see-yourself-as-you-really-are kind of way.

For example:

1. Our dryer is broken. It takes more time and more effort to hang the clothes up to dry. The laundry stacks up because you can't do as much at one time. Plus... the clean clothes are not as soft.

2. I don't have a texting plan on my cell phone, so I either have to pay for texts or actually call people.

3. I'm craving chocolate, but we only have white chocolate chips in the cabinet.

4. My bed is so comfortable it's hard to get up in the morning.

5. I keep forgetting to refill the Brita Water pitcher in our fridge so I always have to wait for the water to filter.

6. It seems I am constantly misplacing my Kindle.

7. I hate having to wait until 2:00 pm to get cheap drinks at Sonic.

8. My pediatrician's office couldn't get me a same-day appointment so I had to wait a day.

9. There are so many toys strewn across the floor at any given moment that I'm always in danger of tripping and snapping an ankle.

10. I have 10 Bibles in the house and sometimes go days without reading one.

See what I mean? First World Problems. I hope these made you smile... I hope they made you roll your eyes... and I hope they made you think.

Cause we've really got it good, don't we?

8 Months Old!

2012-01-13T16:21:00.004-06:00

Caleb Steven turned 8 months old yesterday! It's so hard to believe that our little miracle baby is getting so big!

Here are some 8 month stats:

Caleb has 6 teeth! 2 on the bottom, and 4 on the top!

Caleb loves most baby food! He likes squash, carrots, sweet potatoes, bananas, apple sauce, peaches and pears. He is not a fan of green peas.

He rolls EVERYWHERE! He's not crawling yet... but he gets where he wants to go just fine!

He wears 6-9 month clothes.

He sleeps about 11 hours at night and takes 2-3 naps during the day. When he is tired, he doesn't want to cuddle, he wants to lay down in his crib. He sleep with a pacifier and his special blue blankie.

Caleb is such a happy baby! He loves laughing at his brother, putting everything in his mouth, and having the undivided attention of his family and friends.

Happy 8 months, little guy! We love you!

My One Word

2012-01-01T07:18:00.002-06:00

Well it's a new day, a new week, a new year! January 1, 2012. A fresh start. A clean slate.

Time to make that long list of resolutions, right?

Wrong! At least for me this year!

This year, I'm doing this: One Word. You can check out the link for more information, but basically it's a new way of "making resolutions" that just might work better for someone like me. Instead of making a list of specific changes and goals for the year, you choose one word that becomes your overall theme, your battle-cry, for the upcoming year. Some of my online friends did this last year, and though I was a bit late to that party, I thought it was a great idea and wanted to try it for myself this year.

So, after much thinking and searching and even praying for just the right word for me... my one word for 2012 is:

OBEY

Even typing it is hard... I can't imagine how difficult (and life-altering) living it will be!

This year, I want to obey God. I want to obey Him in regards to my health. (You can see what that will look like here.) I want to obey Him in regards to how I treat people. I want to obey Him in the things I choose to do, or not do... the place I choose to go, or not go... the words I choose to say, or not say. I want to obey what He tells me in His Word, which means reading it so I know! I want to use my gifts and talents how He wants me to, which means saying "Yes" to His invitations. I want to love and serve people like He does, which means getting rid of selfishness. And I want to know that I am walking with Him no matter what He takes me through.

I won't get it perfectly all the time, I know that. But my goal for 2012 is to obey my Lord.

"And what does the Lord require of you? To live justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

So, want to join me? What's your one word?

100 years

2011-12-23T20:56:00.003-06:00

Today would have been my great-grandparents 100th wedding anniversary.

How do I know? Because I was blessed to be given my great-grandmother's wedding band, and it has an inscription along the inside.
Can you see the date?

Inside this simple golden band, it reads: From HP to MP 12-23-11

Today is 12-23-11... but not the same one!

It's amazing to hold something in my hand that I know is at least 100 years old. It's incredible to think about that day 100 years ago, when 2 people who would become my great-grandparents came together in marriage. It's awe-inspiring to think about my history going back and back and back... 100 years and beyond.

I never met my great-grandparents.

But I knew (and loved) their daughter, my Grandma. She was a hard-working farm wife. She made the most amazing lamb cake, complete with coconut "wool" icing. She loved life and always had a smile on her face. We share a name and a birthday.

She was amazing.

And I knew (and loved) her daughter, my Mom. She was a funny, friendly lady who never met a stranger. She had a contagious laugh and was fiercely loyal to those she loved. She had the most beautiful eyes, but you never got to see them because they disappeared when she smiled... and she was always smiling. We share those eyes and a love of music and a zany sense of humor.

She was amazing.

And I know (and mostly love!) her daughter... Me.

Who I am is a complex tapestry woven from the strengths and weaknesses, the joys and trials, the life experiences of those who came before me... all wrapped up and tied with a bow by the God who made me just who He wanted me to be.

And like a 100-year old wedding ring passed down from generation to generation... I am a legacy of those who came before me. And my life is the legacy I pass on to those who will come next.

Wow.

Now that's amazing!

Merry Christmas, 2011!

2011-12-18T15:05:00.005-06:00

From our house to yours!
Nathan- 7 years
Caleb - 7 months

My baby boy is 7 months old!

2011-12-14T19:28:00.004-06:00

December 12, 2011

Child-like Wonder

2011-12-07T19:23:00.003-06:00

This is Caleb's first Christmas. And this is his first glimpse of his first Christmas tree.

I know, right? Look at that sweet face. Such excitement, such awe. It's all new to him. New, and beautiful. And he's content to just sit there, basking in the beauty of the Christmas tree in child-like wonder.

I want to be like that. I want to look at this Christmas season and see past the business and the spending, the decorations and the lights, the traditions and the trees... and I want to bask in the glory of the baby whose birth we celebrate at Christmas. The baby who grew up, lived a perfect life, willingly died upon a cross to save me from my sins, rose again 3 days later, and is right now preparing a place for me -that where He is, there I may be also.

O Child of Wonder, Child of Light... I want to gaze on you like that again. With all the excitement and awe that's in me. Content to just be there with you. Thankful for the amazing gift that You are. I want to bask in Your beauty and Your light and Your peace. I want to know You even more.

Oh come, let us adore Him...

With child-like wonder.

Guess who's 6 months old?

2011-11-12T17:40:00.003-06:00

This little guy!

We love you, Caleb Steven. You are a blessing.

Plans

2011-11-08T20:40:00.005-06:00

I had a plan.

We'd wait at least 5 years after we got married to start trying to have children. We'd wait until our last semester of seminary before we started trying. We'd wait until we had a job lined up and our future stretched before us like the highway across the Kansas plains.

That part worked perfectly. The waiting.

But then came the trying. For a year. With no baby.

And then came the remembering what my doctor had told me when I was 14, that I might never be able to have children. So I found myself talking to my OB and getting onto a fertility drug. 2 months later, I was staring through my tears at a positive pregnancy test. 9 months later, we welcomed a healthy, beautiful baby boy into the world.

So far, so good.

But back to my plan.

Of course, we'd have a baby, and then exactly 2 years later we'd have another one, and exactly 2 years after that we'd have a third.

So when Nathan was 1 1/2, we started trying again. I had a new OB, but he put me back on the fertility drug that worked so quickly the first time. I fully expected it to work again.

But it didn't.

So we saw a specialist. And pursued adoption. And I had labs and tests and procedures and even a surgery. I took multiple medications.

And 4 long years went by.

My plan was unraveling before my eyes. Not only would my children not be 2 years apart, I was beginning to think we might never have a second child. I started thinking about my son being "an only" for the rest of his life. And with each year that passed, my plan faded away more and more - until it was only the wisp of a memory.

But through it all, God had a plan. And His plans always work out.

Because of His great mercy, I now have 2 healthy, beautiful boys... 6 1/2 years apart. My family looks different than the way I planned it all those years ago. But when I saw my 7-year-old reading to his baby brother this afternoon, I smiled and thanked God again for "ruining" all my plans. Because His plan was so much more than I could ever have dreamed up for myself. He knew just what my family was going to look like, and He has carried us here.

So what's the plan for the future? I have no idea. Only God knows! But whatever it is, I trust Him. Because He is faithful... and His plans for me are good.

Happy Howell-o-Ween!

2011-11-02T11:56:00.016-06:00

Here are a few pictures of my favorite Howell boys during Halloween weekend!

2011-10-18T08:06:00.004-06:00

My step-sister took this picture of the Howell boys during the grand kids photo shoot this weekend. Thanks, Rachel!

My Little Pumpkins!

2011-10-17T13:59:00.012-06:00

Are you tired of pictures yet? Too bad! For all my faraway family and friends who aren't on facebook (and you know who you are!), here are some pictures of my boys at the pumpkin patch:

And sporting their school colors:

And Caleb is 5 months!

2011-10-14T15:51:00.007-06:00

Nate turned 7 this month, and Caleb turned 5 months! At 5 months old, Caleb has two bottom teeth, loves to grab (and eat) his toes, loves to giggle and babble and smile, reaches for objects and loves to pull mommy's hair, and basically is as adorable as you can be! He's getting so big!

Nathan is 7!

2011-10-13T13:12:00.008-06:00

For Nathan's 7th birthday on October 8th, he wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival. We had had his family birthday party the weekend before, but since Steve had left for Romania the day before his actual birthday, I wanted to do something special to celebrate my special little guy! So, this directionally-impaired mama and excited birthday boy found our way to Bonner Springs and spent the day celebrating - Renaissance style! I can't believe he is 7!

My Miracles

2011-09-26T16:29:00.005-06:00

Both of my boys are after-infertility miracles. Both of them are precious gifts from God that I neither deserve nor take for granted. Both of them are living, breathing reminders that I serve a God who sees me and hears me and knows me and loves me.

Nathanial - "Gift of God"
Caleb - "Faithful"

Nathan once prayed this for his brother, and I now pray it over both of them every night:
Help my boys to be brave and to grow strong and to love Jesus.

And I thank You, God, for my miracle boys. Thank You for entrusting them to me. Give me strength and wisdom and patience and love to be up to the great task of raising them.

I pray for all those beautiful ones who are still waiting for their miracles. In light of Your great love and mercy, Lord, be near them, and comfort them, and grant them the desires of their hearts.

First Day of First Grade!

2011-08-18T10:51:00.008-06:00

Yesterday was Nathan's first day of First Grade! He had a great day and really likes his teacher! He sure is growing up fast!

Caleb at 3 months!

2011-08-13T13:52:00.002-06:00

Here is my handsome boy at 3 months old. The hat he is wearing was one that his grandpa and his great-uncle Jerry wore when they were small. It's still a little big, but we couldn't resist getting a picture anyway. When he's big enough for it to actually fit, we'd like to have a professional picture taken of him and Nathan.

Nathanisms

2011-08-02T14:45:00.000-06:00

My son says the most awesome things sometimes. Here a couple of my current favorites:

Steve came home the other day carrying a book entitled "Something Beautiful".
I asked him, "What is Something Beautiful"?
Without even looking up from what he was doing, Nathan replied,
"You are, Mom!"

One night, Nathan was telling me that he wished he could go to heaven so that he could see some miracles.
I told him that I see miracles every day.
Nathan rolled his eyes and said,
"I know, Mom, me and Caleb!"
I guess I must tell him that a lot!

I sure love this kid!

Professional Pics

2011-07-27T15:36:00.014-06:00

Here are some of my favorite pictures from Caleb's newborn session with Abby Nelson. These pictures were taken on May 27, 2011 when Caleb was 2 weeks old! Enjoy!

Caleb at 2 months!

2011-07-15T19:31:00.007-06:00

July 12, 2011

My birthday gift!

2011-07-11T08:39:00.005-06:00

My birthday gift arrived in the mail this weekend and I am so excited about it! I don't usually order "fancy" things for myself, but we figured since I was turning 35 we could splurge a little!

Most of you know that we struggled with infertility. I was told when I was younger that I may never be able to have children. So both of our boys are true miracles. After having Caleb, I wanted to get a piece of jewelry to honor my children, but also to remind me of God's blessing in giving them to me. Which led me to Melody at Hope of my Heart Designs. She also has gone through infertility, and she not only makes Mother's jewelry, but also jewelry for infertility, infant loss, adoption, etc. I really liked her designs and her sensitivity to the journey so many of us (including her!) find ourselves on. Check out her website here, she's very talented!

The bracelet I ordered is called the "Answered Prayer" Mother's bracelet. It has both of my boys names and birthstones, and is clasped together with a heart charm. These two little boys are the answers of so many prayers lifted up by us and by others on our behalf, and I love having a tangible, beautiful reminder of this every time I glance down at my wrist.

Becoming 35

2011-07-05T13:37:00.012-06:00

[First of all, I have to give a shout-out to my friend Kathleen, because I blatantly stole the title of this post from her blog: Becoming 35. Check her out sometime; she's a rock-awesome gal!]

Today is my birthday. My 35th birthday. I guess it's official...

I'm old.

Of course, I don't FEEL old... except for the aches and pains that slow me down sometimes, but those are due to falls and accidents and surgeries, not age.

And I don't think I LOOK old... except for the few gray hairs that keep cropping up around my face, but those are due to stress, not age.

And I don't ACT old... which is probably because I'm still a pretty goofy love-to-make-people-laugh, my spiritual gift is sarcasm kind of girl... which is just my personality, and does not necessarily reflect on my age.

But regardless of how I feel and look and act, today I turn 35.

And I'm ok with it.

Because becoming 35 brought with it some pretty amazing things, like:

*Flowers from my husband of almost 13 years.

*A long hug from my big boy who thinks he is starting to outgrow them.

*Cuddles and grins from my little boy who is living, breathing proof of God's faithfulness.

*An over-the-phone rendition of "Happy Birthday" in my dad's not-quite-on key voice.

*Blowing out the candles on a homemade cake with extra icing made by my mother-in-law.

*Watching fireworks with family and remembering how, as a little girl, I always thought they were just for my birthday.

*Ordering something I really want for my present. (You'll have to wait for this one... it hasn't come in yet!)

*Over 100 (so far) "Happy Birthday" messages on facebook, which I love. It's amazing to think that so many friends and family all over the world took at least one moment to think of me and wish me well today. Pretty incredible, and humbling, when you think about it.

All in all, becoming 35 has been pretty darn terrific. And if I have to get another year older in order to have all these blessings and more poured into my life, then bring it on.

I may be old, but I still know how to count my blessings!

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T14:00:00.002-06:00

Hoping you all have a wonderful 4th of July!

Big stuff

2011-07-01T13:33:00.006-06:00

Nathan finished out a great first year of school the end of May. Here he is on his last day of school. I can't believe how big he is! First-grader in the house!
He really enjoyed kindergarten, and his awesome teacher, Mr. Harrison! He learned a ton, made some great friends, tried some new things, and got turned into Luke Skywalker in the slide show his teacher made of the class' kindergarten year! He also won 2 awards at the kindergarten awards ceremony... 1st place in his age group in Musical Composition for his song he wrote for the Reflections Contest this year, and he won the Citizenship Award for his class. Each kindergarten teacher picks one boy and one girl to win this award. We are super proud of Nate!

Nathan receiving his Music Award

Nathan with his Citizenship Award certificate...
...and with his awesome teacher, Mr. Harrison. You rock, Mr. H!

1 Month Old!

2011-06-13T12:34:00.005-06:00

Caleb celebrated his 1-Month birthday yesterday in style! I can't believe it's been a whole month since our baby boy was born! God has truly been faithful to us, and we are so thankful!

(I think he looks like my brother in this one!)

Guest Blogger

2011-06-01T17:52:00.002-06:00

My infertility story was recently featured on the blog Stress Free Infertility. Check out the post here! Thanks Krissi for what you are doing to encourage those women struggling through the infertility journey!

More Caleb Pics

2011-05-30T10:05:00.009-06:00

For my far-away family and friends who aren't on Facebook, here are a few more photos of my favorite folks! (How's that for A+ alliteration? I'm such a nerd! Guess my English-major-ness is rearing its ugly head again!)

He's here!

2011-05-13T15:40:00.003-06:00

Caleb Steven Howell was born on May 12, 2011 at 8:52 AM. He weighed in at 6 lbs. 10 ozs. and was 20.5 inches long. He is doing great and we are so thankful for this special blessing!

Awww...

2011-05-08T18:08:00.003-06:00

I have super talented friends. And that is the only reason I have such cute stuff in the nursery!

My friend Kellie, who was the one who painted the verse above the crib, also made this growth chart for our little guy!

And my friend Dorian not only made me some delicious and adorable "welcome baby" cookies, but she also made this name wall hanging for the nursery!

Gotta love creative, talented friends!

Love

2011-05-03T10:16:00.008-06:00

Do you know what this is?

How about this?

This is 6 full meals resting happily in our freezer for after the baby comes. This is all the pantry goodies to go with them. This is what 2 of my friends spent the morning putting together in order to bless me and my family in the days after the baby is born.

This is love, people. This is love.

Do you know what this is?

How about this?

This is food and gifts from people who love us and put together a baby shower to welcome new little ones to the church. This also is love. Delicious, generous love.

Do you know what this is?

This is the result of a gift of pampering to 2 pregnant women who can no longer reach their toes. This is that "washing your feet" kind of love.

Do you know what this is?

This is 2 grandmas who traveled up to bless their daughters. One took time away from another event to drive up to be with her step-daughter. One flew in from Texas to be with her daughter. This is go-the-extra-mile, blessing-by-your-presence love.

Do you know what this is?

This is 2 minister's wives carrying 2 minister's kids. This is the first kiss of Elizabeth Joyce and Caleb Howell. This is coming out when they go to prom together one day...

And this is 2 mommas who have been loved on. This is 2 women who thank you for your love.

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" ~Galatians 5:6b

Myth: I'm Cured!

2011-04-26T17:58:00.004-06:00

As someone who has walked the road of infertility and come out on the other side, I now face a different set of myths regarding my infertility. Namely... now that I have achieved the dream, now that I have a child and another on the way, I must be cured, right?

Wrong.

I am still infertile. My journey has a happy ending, yes. And I am eternally thankful and grateful that it does. But my babies don't negate the fact that I am an infertile woman living in a very fertile world.

When I look at my son, when I rub my pregnant belly, I am humbled. I remember the journey that brought me here. The doctors, the medications, the tears, the prayers. I remember the all-too-familiar happy for them but sad for me feeling that accompanied pregnancy announcements. I remember the way I would hate my body for betraying me by having this disease. I remember how I felt like less of a woman, because I couldn't seem to reproduce.

I remember it all.

And it's still a part of me.

Infertility has shaped me. It's changed me. It's brought me to the point of understanding and empathy that someone who hasn't gone through it can never fully reach. It's a part of who I am now, a part of the unique story that God is writing in my life. It's not something that magically disappeared when I first saw that miraculous plus sign on a home pregnancy test.

Infertility is not something that you are cured of. I am still one of the many faces of infertility... even with my babies in my arms. Infertility is a gift that God has given me... though not one I always understand or appreciate. But it has formed me into who I am today.

And I thank God for it.

Find out more about infertility here.
Find out more about National Infertility Awareness Week here.

Finished!

2011-04-23T09:23:00.007-06:00

Well, the baby's room is finally finished and ready to go! The only thing left to do is put up a door between it and Nathan's room, but because the baby will be in our room for the first months anyway, we can take our time on that. I'm thrilled with how it all turned out!

These little baby shoes were Nathan's first pair! Aren't they cute? I can't believe we're going to have another little boy in them soon!

All the stuffed animals, washed and ready to be chewed... I mean LOVED... on!

My good friend Kellie came over and painted this verse above the crib! I love the way it turned out, and the way it reminds us of the journey God took us on to get to this place. We are blessed... and so thankful.

33 weeks!

2011-03-31T17:51:00.008-06:00

Oh my stars I had the longest OB appointment EVER yesterday! But all is well.

First, I had an ultrasound. Baby is weighing in at 4 lbs 13 ozs and is in the 67th percentile. Fluid level was 17. (They said anywhere between 9 and 25 was good.) Placenta level was 2, which is what they want to see right now. We got to see him open and shut his mouth, see him open his eyes and move his lens around, see him move hands and feet... it was awesome! He is head down and his feet are up by his head. He was very active, heart rate around 145, and everything looked great! We got some cute pictures too, which is always fun!

Then on to my first non-stress test. He was NOT a fan of the monitor and kept moving away from it. When we finally got it positioned he got tired of the whole thing and promptly fell asleep. We're talking NO movement. We were poking him, talking to him... they even brought me a diet coke to try to jolt him awake. I was hooked up to that thing FOREVER! But they finally got the reading they wanted so it's all good. I now get to do these NSTs twice a week!

After that, we met with the doctor. I really, really like her. My blood pressure was great, 117/78, and my uterus was measuring right on track. I'm down another 2 lbs and am now 10 lbs down from my pre-pregnancy weight. But the best thing was she told me that I am doing such a good job managing my diabetes and my numbers look so good, at this point her job is easy and they can treat the baby just like they would a baby without a diabetic mother! They will continue to monitor me twice a week, because things outside of my control can change (I guess the placenta releases sugars sometimes so they want to watch for that?)... but as far as what I am doing I am rocking it and baby looks just like a normal, no-complications baby. That made me feel really good because I have been really concentrating on following this diet and it obviously shows!

We also went ahead and scheduled my C-section, so as long as I don't go into labor on my own I will be having this baby on May 12th at 8:45 am. That is exactly 6 weeks from yesterday! Yikes!

And now for what you all came to see... the pictures!

Here is Mommy at 33 weeks... looking pretty tired!

Here is Caleb at 33 weeks... In profile:

And here is a close up of his cute little face!
We already love our boy so much!

Plugging Along

2011-03-29T11:24:00.005-06:00

We are still plugging along in the epic battle to get the baby's room ready before May!

On Saturday, Steve helped me move out all the toys from what was once the playroom and store them in the garage. We also went through the garage and got out all the baby stuff and put it in one place, ready to be washed and put back in the game. I got a little teary looking at the bare room, but I know it won't be long before it is filled back up with baby gear! (not to mention that pregnancy hormones make me VERY weepy, so I don't really put much stock in my tears anymore!) I have also gone through and organized the closet. There are still a few things on the top shelf that I need Steve to get down for me, but I have gone through all the toys, boxes of clothes, stacks of blankets, and drawers of bedding. The bigger clothes are folded and packed back away in boxes, ready to be brought out as needed. The clothes and bedding and stuffed animals that we'll want to use right away are currently sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be washed. Yikes... this pile just keeps growing!
We're getting there. Thank the Lord!

In other news, for those far-away friends and family who are not on facebook, Nathan had an exciting event in his young life this week. He lost his 5th tooth at church on Sunday! He's now in that all-too-cute-missing-my-2-front-teeth stage.

Absolute cuteness, right?

32 weeks and 2 Sons

2011-03-24T08:54:00.004-06:00

My step-sister just posted a beautiful blog post about her 2 daughters. She is 20 weeks along in her second pregnancy, and they just found out that they are expecting another girl. You should go read it; it's pretty profound!

Her words about her 2 daughters made me think about my 2 sons... my amazing 6 1/2-year-0ld red-headed bundle of energy and my as-of-yet unmet but already so loved son growing inside me. And just as my step-sister realized that the privilege of mothering 2 daughters is a gift from God alone, I rejoice in the fact that He has seen fit to allow me the privilege of mothering 2 sons.

I remember something Steve said when we found out another boy was on the way. We were driving home from the appointment, staring in wonder as the ultrasound pictures, and he said something that both thrilled and terrified me. He said, "It is such an honor to be chosen to raise 2 boys, to train them to be godly men, leaders in their homes, churches, and jobs."

It is an honor.

And it is huge responsibility.

I want to teach my sons to love the Lord their God with all their hearts, souls, minds and strength, and to love others as they love themselves. I want to teach them to respect and protect the ladies in their lives. I want to teach them self-control, and how to be strong and courageous, and pure, and holy, and brave.

I want my boys to grow into the kind of men that can be depended on, men of integrity, men who will love their wives and families and work hard to provide for them, men who will show the love of Jesus to everyone they meet. Men like that are the men who change the world... for good.

And as my step-sister also said in her post, nothing about these children, this pregnancy, this blessing is because of me. I know so many amazing, wonderful women who for some reason have been told "no" or "wait" as they pray for a child. Am I more deserving of this blessing than them? No - a thousand times over.

But as one who was told "wait" for many, many years and have now miraculously been told "yes", I see and understand perhaps better than most that God really does have a plan... and that He is God all by Himself. His ways are not our ways. But His heart beats for each of His children with a love that we can never fully understand. He is writing His story for each of us, and it is a good, good story.

We can trust Him, and rest in that.

Getting Organized

2011-03-23T08:00:00.003-06:00

I was beginning to think it would never happen. I have just been so tired, and so unmotivated, I was starting to think the nursery would NEVER get worked on. But this week, I've had some energy and motivation, so I've actually started doing something to get the room ready for this baby!

The baby's room is currently a playroom, so it's going to take some reorganizing and rearranging to get it ready to go. But since the "big work" (doors and paint) can't really take place until the room is a bit more cleaned out, I knew I needed to get on the ball.

It's hard to get on the ball when you're so tired all the time. But over the past few days, I have impressed myself. I started by going through all the old baby clothes we had stored, as well as those hand-me-downs that have been given to us by friends. Then I sorted them by age. These are the Newborn-3 month clothes.

They are waiting to be washed lovingly in Dreft and put in the changing table drawers.

These are the 3- 18 months clothes.

I have repacked them away in the closet in the baby's room, so as he grows out of the first batch, I have the next batch ready to wash and use.

Today, I'm hoping to go through some of the old toys stored in the closet. My plan is to do that when Nathan isn't around so I can hopefully get rid of some of the junkier toys. You know... the ones that come in McDonald's Happy Meals, or the ones with broken pieces that he still just loves, etc. The rest will either be stored in the garage until baby grows into them, or if they are baby-appropriate I will leave them in the baby's room for him to enjoy.

Whew! It's a lot of work! But we hope to buy paint on Friday so we can get going on that, which means I need to keep working to get us ready! It feels really good to finally be DOING something!

(And to know that I can give myself a break when I need it!)

30 1/2 Weeks!

2011-03-13T12:55:00.003-06:00

Still down 5 lbs... but all belly now! Here's my cargo and me at 30 1/2 weeks!

He's growing up so fast!

2011-03-09T21:55:00.002-06:00

Nathan lost his 4th tooth last week. He's looking so grown up!

The Thief of Joy

2011-02-28T12:50:00.002-06:00

Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Man, was Teddy ever right on the money!

In my 34 years on this planet, I can't think of many things more destructive to my overall happiness and sense of well-being than comparing myself to others.

And as a typical woman... I have a tendency to do this... A LOT.

It's like it's part of the female genetic makeup or something. We look at ourselves, and we start to think about the things we don't like. The things we wish were different. The ways we wish we were more like _________.

More like our best friend.

More like that gal we hate.

More like that movie star.

More like that woman we've never met but we saw her in WalMart one time and we just know she's so much happier, healthier and all-around BETTER than me.

We see it in young girls. Have you ever given a young girl a compliment in front of another girl? Watch out! Even something innocent such as, "I like your dress!" can lead to smugness in one, jealousy and hurt in the other.

We see it in teenage girls. Boy, do we ever! It doesn't matter how pretty, smart, popular, or athletic a person is... there is always another girl that makes her feel like she is constantly in a shadow.

We see it in grown women who really ought to know better. Women who are always wanting to be thinner, younger, smarter, better-paid, or more appreciated than someone else. And who feel miserable when they perceive that they don't, in some way, measure up.

Girls, why do we do this to ourselves?

It may be a normal, human thing to do, to compare ourselves to others... but it's not pretty, is it?

And it's not godly.

And honestly, for our own good, it's GOT to stop!

Theodore Roosevelt was on to the something. Comparing myself to someone else, in any way, shape, or form, robs me of my joy. My joy in life, my joy in a situation or relationship, my joy in the Lord. But it's not someone else stealing that joy from me.

Oh no... it's not HER fault! (Whoever SHE may be)

I'm doing it to myself.

It's like I'm unlocking the safe of my heart, leaving it wide open, and saying "Help yourself!" And this world, sadly, is all kinds of ready to take me up on that invitation.

But when I remind myself that who I am, what I look like, what I have (or don't), what I'm good at, what I struggle with, my strengths and weaknesses, my triumphs and challenges, EVERYTHING that makes MY life MINE is a gift from the God who loves me... how can anything or anyone else possibly compare?

In short, it can't.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." And I refuse to give that thief access to my life anymore!

Preggo Pics

2011-02-19T14:26:00.004-06:00

So just the other day I realize, to my surprise, that I was about to hit 7 months pregnant and I had yet to take a single belly picture! And though I usually am not enthusiastic about showcasing my belly to the world, I guess pregnancy is the only time when it's not only appropriate, but also expected. So here you go!

Me at 7 Months

In case you were wondering, I am actually still down 2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight... but I am finally starting to gain. At one point I was 7 lbs down! And now that I'm in the third trimester, I'm sure that "gaining trend" will continue.

2 lbs down, but everything I have got has repositioned itself right in the tummy region. I guess that's a good thing, right?

In other pregnancy news, you may remember that I had to take the 3-hour glucose test after failing my one-hour test. Well, I failed the 3-hour as well, so I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Steve and I met with a diabetic counselor yesterday for 2 1/2 hours. We got a lot of good information about diet and exercise, as well as learning how I was to test my blood sugar levels 4 times a day. I will see her again in a week to see how things are working, and to see if my diet needs to be tweaked anymore. It's a lot of change all at once, but I have been very blessed by the support and encouragement of my family and friends. I am glad to do whatever I can to keep my little miracle safe and healthy and growing!

Just 3 more months until we meet this little guy!

Award-Winning Ramblings

2011-02-03T21:09:00.003-06:00

This past week I was given my first ever blog award by Leesha at the Heins Farm. Go check her out... she rocks! Thanks, Leesha!

These are the rules of this particular award:

1. Thank & link back to the person who gave me me the award. (see above)

2. Share 7 things about myself.

3. Award (up to) 15 recently discovered great bloggers.

4. Make sure I contact these bloggers to let them know about the award.

So here are 7 things about me, the award-winning rambler!

1. When I was younger, I HATED my name with a living, breathing passion. In middle school, people called me "Amazing Grace" and it bothered me to no end. But in high school, I woke up and realized that they were calling me AMAZING, and that there are a lot worse things they could be calling me. So I decided my name was pretty rock-awesome.

2. I was born on July 5th, 1976 - one day off from being a bicentennial baby. My parents would have won all kinds of prizes if I had come one day earlier, but my mom always said it was more special to her that I was born on her mother's (my Grandma's) birthday.

3. My senior year of high school, I played the role of "Dorcas" in our high school musical presentation of 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. The drama teacher wanted to change the name to "Dorris" but I wouldn't let her. I thought being called "Dorcas" was hilarious and I milked it for all it was worth!

4. Yes, it's true, I fell and broke both my legs during my first pregnancy. I'm hoping for a much more boring pregnancy this time around.

5. I passed the swimming test that lifeguards have to pass when I was 6. But I didn't actually work as a lifeguard until I was 27!

6. My favorite job that I've ever had was teaching preschool in San Francisco and Seattle.

7. I love, love, LOVE to write and I'm thankful you stop by and read my (award-winning) ramblings here! :)

Now, my "I Love This Blog" award goes to:

Dorian at One Hundred Pounds
Katie at Texas North
Rachel at The Hinton Home
Trace at Adventures in DiCoccoville
Tricia at Trackin' the Trussells

There are other blogs that I love, of course, but they've already been given the award, and I don't want them to get a big head!

Memories of Mom

2011-02-01T13:03:00.005-06:00

Well, it's that time of year again, when Valentine's candy lines the store shelves. And my favorite one is these: Yes, the small Brachs conversation hearts. You know the ones. Colored sugar formed into tiny little hearts, each one boasting a loving statement to share with your sweetheart.

When I see them back in the store, I always throw a bag into my cart. Because I like them, yes... but also because one of my favorite memories of my mom involves these bags of sugary goodness.

My mom LOVED her candy hearts. She would buy bags and bags of both the small and large conversation hearts every year around Valentine's day. She'd put a few out for our family to enjoy... but as for the rest...

She would hoard them.

And hide them in the cabinets.

And eat them all year long.

It was always funny to me to see her snacking on them in April... in August... in October.

Her secret candy stash was almost entirely made up of Valentine's hearts! (and Easter Peeps... but that's another blog entry!)

About 7 years after she passed away, when my dad was getting remarried, it was time to sell the house I had grown up in. Steve and I were helping my dad pack up the kitchen. We reached deep into a cabinet full of pots and pans... and came out with an unopened bag of small Brachs conversation hearts.

No, we didn't eat them! I didn't keep them either. But it brought back so many happy memories of my mom, just the woman she was, and it made me remember her... and smile.

This year, we made our own memories with candy hearts. We counted out 100 conversation hearts for Nathan to bring on his 100th day of school. I told him about Grandma Mary, and how she loved these hearts and ate them all year round. I told him about the bag of hearts we found when we helped Papa pack up the house. And after we had talked about hearts and counted hearts... we ate some together.

Just like mom used to do.

After Infertility

2011-01-22T20:34:00.002-06:00

Being pregnant after infertility is a strange place to be.

For over 4 years, our prayers were focused on wanting a child. Every dollar we spent, every doctor we saw, every pill I swallowed, every season we walked through sprung from this desire to have a child. Every verse I read, every song I sung, every sermon I heard related in some way to my infertility. Every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower, every child who held out their arms for a hug at church reminded me of where I was, and where I so longed to be.

And now here we are. God in His mercy has granted the desire of our hearts, and we are expecting a baby!

4 years of longing were realized in one positive pregnancy test.

And you'd think I would never look back.

But those 4 years were such a huge part of my life. I met friends because of infertility that I might not have otherwise. I learned to be honest and open and vulnerable. I gained patience through infertility. And empathy. And trust in God no matter what our circumstances were.

Infertility shaped me.

And it's still a part of me.

It shows up in the weirdest ways sometimes. Like when I'm having a hard pregnancy day and I feel guilty for it, because I know there are so many women who would pay anything to have the same problem. Or when I hear of someone who accidentally got pregnant or who got pregnant on their first try, and for a split second I feel jealous again. Or when I see families with their children less than 6 years apart and I wish, for just a moment, that that were my story.

I am thankful every second of every day that God has brought me here, to this place, where I am pregnant with a healthy baby, anticipating how this one is going to change my life forever.

But I am also thankful for the past 4 years.

I couldn't always see it when I was going through it, of course. But God was right there with me in such a real, powerful way. He taught me so much, lessons I know I will never forget. He changed me and grew me and refined me.

He's been working miracles this whole time. My pregnancy is just the latest one.

It's A...

2010-12-29T21:08:00.003-06:00

BOY!
Today we had our 20-week ultrasound, and we found out that we are having a little boy!

Going into the ultrasound, I was a little worried that I would be disappointed if we found out a boy was on the way, because I already had a boy so I kind of wanted a girl. Plus, we have had a girl's name picked out for a long time. But when the ultrasound tech told us it was a boy, I can honestly say that all I felt was excited and a little relieved!

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE little girls... but I feel more like a "boy mom". I get boys. I understand and relate to them. And I am not, in any way, shape, or form, a girly-girl.

If the Lord ever sees fit to bless us with a girl, we will be excited... and probably more than a little terrified! But we'd figure it out, I'm sure!

But this time around, I am beyond thrilled that another little boy is on the way! Now, to come up with a name... :)

You and Me

2010-11-29T18:05:00.002-06:00

This is me and my husband.

Well... not really.

We're not actually hippies, though we were lovingly portrayed as such in clay by a dear college friend many years ago. (These handmade ornaments were given to us as a wedding present back in 1998! I especially like Steve's low-cut shirt and over-sized belt buckle... but I'm sure that's just me!)

But these little cuties that hang in a place of honor on our tree every year do remind me of me and my husband, and of all the things we have been through together over the years.

On our wedding day, I had just turned 22, and he was 21. We were still such babies in so many ways! But we knew God had brought us together, and that He wanted us to be husband and wife.

When we got married, we had already been serving together in ministry for 2 years, as both a dating couple, and then as an engaged couple. 12 1/2 years after our wedding, we're still serving together, partners in the ministry God has called us to.

We've experienced some mountain-top, in-your-face miracles of God... not the least of which is our amazing son and our son or daughter currently growing inside me. When you have infertility issues, you don't take these blessing for granted.

We've also walked through some very dark times, together. Always together. I remember when I broke both my legs. Steve was so hands-on and helpful that the nurses wrote in my file that I have an amazing husband who is a wonderful support to me. And it's true! That poor man had a pregnant, hormonal, crippled wife on his hands... and he loved me through it. We came out stronger on the other side.

So here's to us, honey! Not on an anniversary or other special day, but on just a regular, normal Thursday in the month of December. I don't just love and appreciate you on the big days... I think I love and appreciate you all the more on the "just a day" days.

You are my "once-in-a-lifetime, for-all-time" love, the other pea in my pod, and the one I want to walk hand-in-hand through life with. I love you. Thanks for loving me back!

State of the Pregnancy Address

2010-11-18T11:06:00.003-06:00

Several people have asked how the pregnancy is going so far, so I thought I'd answer some of your questions today in this State of the Pregnancy Address.

How far along are you?
I am 14 weeks today! Due date is May 19, 2010.

How are you feeling?
I am feeling pretty good now. Weeks 8-12 were rough. Nausea all day long, no appetite (which is weird for an overweight gal like me to just not want to eat!), very tired and achy too. But, the nausea started to go away about a week ago, and my appetite is starting to return too. I'm still really tired, but I'm sleeping well at night, so that is a blessing.

How much weight have you gained?
OK... no one has actually asked me this yet, but I know you are all wondering. I actually lost 5 lbs during the first trimester. Not that you can tell by looking at me, though. And now that my appetite is picking up again, I expect this weight loss won't last much longer.

Have you had any weird cravings?
I had my first pregnancy craving a couple of nights ago. I am craving dill pickles. I know, I know... how cliche! But that's what I've been wanting!

Have you heard the heartbeat?
We have not yet. The doctor tried to find it last week at my 13-week appointment, but because I have a tipped uterus and some *ahem* extra padding in that area, we couldn't hear it yet. So the doctor brought out this awesome portable sonogram so we could take a quick look at baby. We got to see the heartbeat again, and the doctor said the heart rate was about 150. While we were watching, baby literally jumped from one side of the screen to the next, so s/he is very much alive and active in there!

Are you having a boy or a girl?
We don't know yet. I go in on December 29th for my 20-week ultrasound and we will find out then.

Do you want a boy or a girl?
I'm seriously fine with either. Of course I would love a girl, because we want to name her after my mom who passed away when I was 21, but I would be just as happy to find out another boy is on the way. We're just so thankful to be in this place where we are expecting a baby!

The One We've Been Waiting For

2010-10-26T18:38:00.007-06:00

A couple months ago, I posted about some bad news that I had gotten from my doctor. I didn't go into details then... but I'm ready to now. Because our mourning has truly turned into dancing, and I want to give God all the glory for it!

In mid-August, I went in to see my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) to see if my second cycle on the fertility drug femara had been successful. The first cycle everything had looked perfect: I grew a lead follicle of 29 mm (they want to see at least an 18), I got the trigger shot to make sure I ovulated, we "timed" everything right, and yet I did not conceive. But I figured it was ok because we had finally found the drug that was going to work for us. I was hopeful that the second cycle would look just as good.

But when I went in, I found that it did not.

I was told that I did not have any mature follicles, nothing above an 8. I was told that the cycle was "a bust". I was told that all I could do was wait for my next cycle to start, and then we would up the dose of femara and try again.

And I was beyond devastated.

But here's where the story gets really good. About 2 weeks later I noticed some signs that indicated that my body might be ovulating. Of course I didn't really believe it was happening, after all, I was told this cycle was a bust. But, we did our part anyway, just in case.

And 2 weeks after that, I saw this:

And this:

And then we saw the same results on about 9 other tests... because after 4 years of secondary infertility, I could not believe my eyes!

I called my RE's office and told them that I had gotten a plus sign. They were surprised, to say the least. But they ordered a blood test for the next day which confirmed what the tests were trying to tell me.

I was incredibly, amazing, miraculously PREGNANT!

I am currently 11 weeks along and everything is looking great! We've seen the Little Bean twice on sonograms, and were able to see the heart beating both times. I have officially been released from my RE to an OB's care. I'm due May 19, 2011.

O Lord, thank You for bringing me here! This is truly the miracle we've been praying for all these years!

In Memory

2010-10-16T18:01:00.005-06:00

Steve's grandmother Ruby Howell passed away on October 9th, 2010... just 1 day after her 89th birthday. We had been down to Georgia to visit her in August, so we were able to get some pictures of her with her 2 great-grandchildren; our son Nathan, and our niece Hannah:

Steve and I traveled to Georgia this past week for the funeral. Though it was a sad occasion that brought us all together, it was so nice to spend some unhurried time with that side of the family. It was amazing some of the things we were able to learn about Grandmother Howell. She had written out her life story in 1999, and one of the cousins read it out loud at the meal after the funeral. I was fascinated by the stories of Ruby as a young girl growing up on various farms throughout Georgia, of her childhood adventures, of the tragedies in her life that I never knew about, of her courtship and love for her husband of 45 years (who passed away 20 years ago!), of the values they sought to instill in their children and their grandchildren, of the sacrifices they made along the way. Grandmother Howell was a woman of quiet dignity and strength, and her touch on our lives continue to have an effect on us.

It was a time to celebrate a life well-lived, and to pay our respects to a woman who had such a profound affect on us all. We will miss her, but we rejoice in the fact that she is happy and whole with the Jesus she loved, and that we will see her again one day.

Goodbye, Grandmother. We love you very much.

Spread a little kindness

2010-09-27T12:54:00.004-06:00

This is a true story, a tale of two kindnesses, and how the little things we do for others can make their days brighter.

Today I had to drive about 30 minutes to a lab to get some blood drawn. I had with me the little girl that I babysit. Afterward, we decided to stop at McDonald's and get ourselves a drink for the drive home. It was one of those McDonald's with the two drive-through lanes. So I pulled into the first lane behind a couple cars.

The lady in front of me pulled up to the speaker.

Silence.

She waited.

I waited.

Nothing.

We probably sat there for a couple minutes (which of course, in drive-through lane time, was like 2 or 3 hours!) and nobody came on to take her order. There was nobody in the other lane, and nobody behind me.

So I backed up and pulled into the other lane. Immediately, a chipper voice came on to take my order.

But instead of ordering, I said, "Actually, there is a lady in the first lane who has been waiting to order for a couple of minutes."

The McDonald's worker apologized, said her headset had not alerted her to that car, and said she would take the lady's order and then take mine.

And so she did.

No big deal.

Well, evidently my helping the lady order and not just jumping ahead of her in line meant a lot to her, because after I had ordered and had pulled up to pay, I was informed by the smiling McDonald's worker that the lady in front of me had paid my bill!

And even though it was only a $2 drink order, the fact that she thanked me by paying my bill meant a lot to me.

Yes, they were little things. But, sometimes it's the little things in life that really speak the loudest, you know?

Dragons

2010-09-20T10:36:00.004-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, my family went to a local festival for the day. Nathan enjoyed riding the rides and playing the games and looking in the shops... but one thing that he really wanted to do was get his face painted.

So we found a face-painting booth and let him pick a design. We were a bit apprehensive when he selected a full-on dragon face, but we figured if it was what he wanted we'd let him do it.

I'm glad we got this picture of it, because as soon as Nathan saw the finished product, he started flipping out a little and wanted to clean it off... because, as he said, "I just want to look like ME!"

And though the grown-up in me felt ever-so-slightly miffed that we had just spent $7 to have his face painted only to immediately clean it off... the more honest part of me could understand where Nathan was coming from. It's kind of scary to look in a mirror and see a monster where your face used to be. Though we know rationally that it's still us underneath all that paint, there is that longing in all of us to be seen for who we really are. We just want to look like us, you know?

In the book The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, author C.S. Lewis tells a terrible, beautiful story of a whiny, unhappy boy named Eustace who turns into a dragon. In the book, C.S. Lewis writes about the moment that Eustace realizes what had happened to him:

"...as he bent toward the water, he thought for a second that yet another dragon was staring up at him out of the pool. But in an instant he realized the truth. The dragon face in the pool was his own reflection. There was no doubt of it. It moved as he moved: it opened and shut its mouth as he opened and shut his.

He had turned into a dragon while he was asleep. Sleeping on a dragon's hoard with greedy, dragonish thoughts in his heart, he had become a dragon himself."

At first, Eustace is happy to be a dragon, because he realizes that he is so terrible that he can get revenge on those who he felt had wronged him. But soon, as Lewis writes again, he changes his mind.

"He wanted to be friends. He wanted to get back among humans and talk and laugh and share things. He realized that he was a monster cut off from the whole human race. An appalling loneliness came over him.

...When he thought of this the poor dragon that had been Eustace lifted up its voice and wept. A powerful dragon crying its eyes out under the moon in a deserted valley is a sight and a sound hardly to be imagined."

I think there are times in all our lives when we take a good, hard look at ourselves and realize that we have been acting "dragonish" again. When we've let bitterness, jealousy, greed, anger, or pride rear up in us and take over the person we really are... the person God is calling us to be. I am so thankful that God doesn't leave us there, though the cleaning process can be painful.

For poor Eustace, it involved Aslan slicing through layer after layer of dragon skin. It was slow, and painful, and Eustace thought more than once that he wished he could just die and be done with it. But when Aslan had finished the work, Eustace was human once again. He could look in there mirror and say, "I look like ME!"

And he had learned something through the process.

When God brings things to mind that He wants to change in us, the cleaning process is not easy or fun. It can be downright painful. But if we allow him to slice through our dragon skin to reveal our true self... we can look in the mirror and see reflected back to us a vision of who God wants us to be. Our true selves staring back at us.

Oh Lord, I just want to look like ME! Thank you for helping me to shed this dragon skin of sin. Help me never forget what I've learned through the process.

...And thank you that it only took wet-wipes to clean up my little dragon!

For all those on this journey...

2010-09-07T17:48:00.008-06:00

...wherever you may be today.

Though I feel afraid of territory unknown
I know that I can say that I do not stand alone.
For Jesus, You have promised Your presence in my heart
I can not see the ending, but it's here that I must start.

What lies beyond the waves may cause my heart to fear.
Will I survive the day? Must I leave what's known and dear?
A ship that's in the harbor is still and safe from harm
But it was not built to be there; it was made for wind and storm.

And all I know
Is You have called me.
That I will follow is all I can say.
I will go
Where You will send me.
Your fire lights my way.

A beautiful sight!

2010-08-31T17:13:00.005-06:00

This past weekend, we had our annual Sunday School picnic and baptism at the lake. This is always a wonderful event filled with food, friends and fun! And the best part of all is this sight:

I have always loved me some baptizing! I think maybe because my own was such a big deal in my life.

I was not raised in a traditional Christian home. My parents had different views on religion, and they wanted to leave it up to my brother and I what we chose to believe. So I never really went to church growing up, aside from an occasional Midnight Mass at the Catholic church with my uncle. I was, however, sprinkled as a baby in the Catholic church to appease and reassure my paternal grandmother, who was terrified that if I died as a baby, I would go to hell.

(Please know that I'm NOT saying that all Catholics believe that way, but my grandmother did. And it worried her enough that my Protestant mother agreed to have my brother and I sprinkled as babies just to calm her down!)

When I was in high school, I started going to youth group with some friends. It meant on Monday nights at a local church. I learned so much there, and attended regularly for 2 years. But I had not yet gotten to the point of accepting Christ as my personal Savior. I knew all about Jesus, but I didn't think I had done anything "bad enough" to be saved from.

Oh the arrogance and pride.

So for 2 years I enjoyed going to youth group and learning all about Jesus, but I never let Him in.

Until the day that I broke up with my boyfriend, and had to admit to myself that some of the choices I had made with that boyfriend were... well... sinful. I felt abandoned and alone... and like I had sinned. I finally understood that when the Bible says All have sinned... that included me. I was so broken and ashamed. But I also was finally at the point where I saw my personal need for a Savior.

I couldn't even talk to God. I felt so unworthy. So I wrote Him a letter confessing my sin, asking for His forgiveness, and asking Him to be in control of my life once and for all. And the weight of sin was lifted off of me in such a way that I felt physically different. I knew that God had come in, and that He was going to be with me forever. (I still have the letter in the front of the first Bible ever given to me by the adult leaders at that youth group.)

About 6 months later, I went to college. And I started attending the Baptist Student Union as well as a Baptist Church. I heard people talk about baptism, but I never really felt like that was something I needed to do, because I had been baptized as a baby. And I knew that baptism didn't save me. I already had salvation! So I didn't understand baptism.

But as I continued to grow in my relationship with Jesus, I began to see that He did desire me to be baptized.. out of obedience to Him... as a public reflection of what had already taken place on the inside... as a witness to others about my new life in Christ... and as a platform to share my testimony. So, I decided to do it.

I invited my friends from the BSU (including Steve, who was "just a friend" then!) I invited some friends from my dorm. And I invited my family.

And they all came.

About 50 additional people crowded into the church pews that Sunday morning to see me "get dunked", including some friends and family who were not Christians. And after I was baptized, my pastor (Hi James!) had me give my testimony in front of the entire church! It was a pretty special day for a 2-year-old Christian college student!

So I love seeing baptisms! When I have the privileged of witnessing one, I'm the one who claps and lets out a loud "woo-hoo!" I just think baptism is such a beautiful sight! And I know that God is rejoicing right along with me.

My baby started kindergarten today...

2010-08-18T08:41:00.005-06:00

And I am sad.

Oh, not for him. No. He will thrive there. He is such a social little guy, and so smart, he is going to love school!

I'm happy for him!

But I am sad for me.

Because I always thought that we would have another little one at home when this day came.

And we don't.

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that my son might be an only child. Which means that milestones like today might just happen once for me. And that makes my heart hurt.

I am not ready to give up on the dream of more children. I am not ready to stop pursuing adoption and trying the medications from my RE. I have not reached that point yet of feeling like my family is complete.

But it's taking so long... I'm not sure if God is telling me no and I'm just not hearing Him.

I really do want to be ok with His will, whatever it is.

But I can no longer distinguish between my wants and His will.

So today I feel really sad.

For me.

Because this isn't the way I wanted it to be.

A Mean Disease.

2010-08-16T16:31:00.005-06:00

Infertility is a mean disease.

And it is a disease. One that steals your hopes and dreams just as much as it robs your body of it's ability to create and sustain life.

It's not always talked about.

It's not always understood.

But it is a disease.

And I have it.

I got bad news from the doctor today. No, I'm not dying. And no, it's not cancer or any other additional disease. And no, I do not have to have any surgeries or have anything removed or anything like that. And other than that, I'm not sharing specifics right now.

But it's enough to say that the hope that I had been feeling lately is gone. And I'm not sure if it's ever coming back.

I spent lots of time today crying, and yelling at God, and crying, and being snarky to people who love me, and crying, and crying, and crying.

I think I'm all cried out.

I'm still sad.

Still not feeling hopeful.

And even a little angry and snarky still.

But God speaks through hugs from my son.

And listening ears.

And songs on the radio.

And yellow roses from my husband.

And maybe... just maybe... He really is right here with me.

Even in this.

A day late

2010-07-26T21:13:00.004-06:00

And before you all go getting all excited and think I'm talking about something else, let me just say that I am talking about my anniversary.

It was yesterday.

And I didn't do my annual "However many years we've been married number of things I love about my husband" post.

Until today.

So this post is a day late.

And that's all.

OK?

OK.

And now... in honor of my 12th anniversary yesterday, I want to share with you all:

12 Things I Love About my Husband, Steve

1. I love that he loves me. This may sound really simplistic, but it's so true. I am not always an easy person to love. But he does. Deeply. And I love him for it.

2. I love that he has a real faith in God. It's not just an "on-paper" faith, you know? It's the real deal, even when things fall apart and life gets hard and nothing makes sense kind of faith. And he having that kind of faith helps me to have it too.

3. I love that he is an incredible dad. He adores our son! He delights in him! And when our son grows up... I hope he's just like his dad!

4. I love that he's musical. Music has always been a part of our relationship. We met in a worship band. We sang together on our first date. We've written songs together. And we're still singing together today.

5. I love that he loves his mama! And his dad. And his brothers.

6. I love that he loved my mama, and told her so before she died. He loves my dad and brother and my step-mom and my step-siblings too!

7. I love that he does crazy things to make me laugh and calm me down. You may not know this about Steve... but he is hilarious! I love that he loves to make me laugh!

8. I love that he is a great provider. It's not always easy to "make it" on a single salary, and a minster's salary at that. But we do. He works hard to provide for us, he's good with a budget, and even when times get lean, we always make it just fine.

9. I love that he takes his marriage vows seriously. This man has walked with me through infertility (and he still is!), through breaking both my legs while pregnant, through my mom's death, through cross-country moves. And no matter what life throws at us, we end up stronger on the other side. Because we are committed to each other, and to God. Steve models this to me everyday.

10. I love the way he looks. I'm sorry, but my husband is H-O-T-T!

11. I love that he loves the way I look, even when I don't. He thinks I'm beautiful. And that is something I can't always wrap my head around. But he means it. And it shows.

12. I love that these past 12 years we've been 2 peas in a pod, and I look forward to living life with him for all the years God gives us on this earth.

Steve, I love you. You are my once-in-a-lifetime, for-all-time love. And, as always, as long as you and I are walking hand in hand, we'll be walking side by side! :)

Always Yours,

Grace

What does the Lord require?

2010-07-01T14:28:00.003-06:00

My stepmom gave me this sign a couple weeks ago, because this verse in Micah is one of my life verses. One I've memorized, and one I've tried to live by. Because really, it pretty much covers it all, doesn't it?

What does the Lord require of you?

Act Justly - To me, this means choosing every day to make choices that line up with the Word of God. The Bible tells us how to live, not so that we are mired down in legalism, but so that we can be free to fully live this life God has given us. His rules are for our good, to keep us safe, and to keep us connected to Him, so that He is free to will and to act in our lives. Acting justly also means that we treat others fairly, that we stand up for those who have no voice, that we fight injustice, and that we do not show favoritism, but treat everyone as one who is created and loved by God.

Love Mercy - This is such a beautiful and poetic way to say that we should love one another, and forgive each other, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Mercy means that we do not repay people what they deserve, but we offer a second (or third, or fourth) chance. It seems daunting to think about truly living this way, but when we remember that it is only by God's mercy to us that we can even come into His presence, when we remember the love that sent His only son to earth and His mercy that takes on the punishment that should be ours, when we remember that we love because He first loved us... it sure makes more sense that we should treat others that way too. None of us deserve a relationship with a holy God... but all of us can have one because of His love and His mercy. With all the love and mercy He has poured upon us, how can we treat others any differently?

Walk Humbly with your God - This is, perhaps, the hardest concept of all to wrap our heads around. In our society, we are told that the goal is to elevate ourselves. We judge those who are "beneath" us... and we envy those who are ahead of us in the rat race. We brag on ourselves, and puff ourselves up, and demand the respect that we think is owed us. But God, in His infinite wisdom, tells us who belong to Him to humble ourselves, and walk with Him. And again, though that doesn't seem to make sense when we look at the way the world works, it makes all the sense in the world when we recognize and accept one simple and profound truth... God is God, and we are not. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, able to do abundantly more than we can ask or imagine, and everywhere all the time all at once. There isn't a person on Earth who can make those claims. So because He is exalted so high above the earth and everyone in it... it just makes sense to humble myself and acknowledge His authority. And when I walk with Him, in humility, I am yielding control of all the little (and big) details of my life to Him. He, and He alone, can handle it all.

Can you imagine what would happen if all of us who are called by His name would really live Micah 6:8? What a witness that would be to the hurting world around us!

On Father's Day

2010-06-20T14:14:00.004-06:00

There are three very special men in this picture that mean a lot to me. And on this Father's Day, I thought I'd share just a few reasons why.

First of all, there's my dad. He's the dark guy with the salt n pepper hair on the right. Growing up, Dad went above and beyond the call of duty. He did most of the cooking, all of the grilling, the laundry, and since he was a teacher, he entertained us all summer long. I remember one summer he had torn his Achilles tendon, and he was in a full leg cast... a heavy, hot thing that he could not get wet. And yet, he would still drive my brother and I to the pool almost every day that summer, and sit out in the sun, unable to swim, while we enjoyed ourselves. When I was on swim team, he was the one who would wake up at 4:30 every morning to take his turn in the car pool, getting me and my friends to practice by 5:00 am. Dad didn't always understand or enjoy the things I was involved with (choir, drama)... but he always supported and encouraged me. He is generous and takes such good care of his family. Thank you, Dad, for loving me. And thank you for being such a wonderful Papa to my son!

Then, there is my father-in-law, James. He's the dapper-looking fellow on the left. From the moment I met James, I have always felt like a cherished member of his family. He goes out of his way to take care of those he loves, and I know that his home is always open to me. He did a wonderful job raising his sons, one of which I have the joy of being married to! He is a treasure trove of wisdom and wise council, and yet he encourages and equips his sons to rise up and lead their families as men of God. Thank you, James, for loving me. And thank you for being such a wonderful Grandpa to my son!

And finally, the handsome one in the middle, my husband, Steve. We have been married for almost 12 years, and have known each other for 14. I could go on and on about how amazing Steve is and what he means to me, but since it's Father's Day I will focus on that one aspect. Steve is such an amazing father! We both knew we wanted children, but we also knew due to my health issues that we might not be able to have biological children. We will always be so thankful that God blessed us with the desire of our hearts, our son. Steve takes his responsibility as a father seriously. He delights in Nathan, enjoys him, instructs him, disciplines him, and trains him up in the way he should go. As my son grows into a man, there is no better model of godly manhood that he could emulate than his Daddy. Steve, thank you for loving me, yes. But today I thank you all the more for being such a wonderful father to our son.

I am so very blessed.

Go Team!

2010-06-14T16:31:00.006-06:00

I'm borrowing a picture from my friend Lanny's blog today. He is on the team with Steve that is in Romania right now! Sorry the picture is kind of small, but you can see the original and more here.

The team got to Romania just fine, but only one of their checked bags made it. It turned out to be a real God moment, because they were picked up from the airport in a car... there was no way 6 big bags would have fit. Plus, the bags were sent ahead, by the airline, to Galati, so the team did not have to take them on the train. Team and bags are now reunited!

Please be praying for them as they serve God in Romania!

An anniversary, of sorts...

2010-06-05T08:49:00.004-06:00

But not one that I wanted to reach.

June 2010 marks our 4-year anniversary of trying to conceive a second child. We started trying for a second baby in June 2006.

And before you ask, no, I did not calender the event so I would always remember the momentous occasion. But I do remember that we intentionally did not start trying until after we got home from our 2-week trip to Kenya. And I do remember that when we returned, we were ready to try again. And that was in... you guessed it... June 2006.

Which means we have been experiencing secondary infertility (SI) for 4 years.

4 years.

I knew it wouldn't be a quick or easy thing having another child. I've known since I was 14 that I have issues. It took us 3 years of "allowing" to conceive Nathan... though it only took 2 rounds of clomid with my OBGYN.

So I figured we'd need help, but I also figured what worked with Nathan would work again.

Sadly, I was mistaken.

This time around, we've done 9 rounds of clomid with an OBGYN, and then we started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). We've done so many labs, tests, and even surgery with our RE, and we just completed our second unsuccessful round of clomid with him. We're now moving on to femara, a drug I've never taken before. If that doesn't work, we'll move on to injectable medications.

We've also completed the home study process to adopt domestically, and have been home study approved for 2 years.

And yet, here we are... still trying... still waiting.

I am hopeful that something will eventually work for us, and that we will add another child to our family. But today I recognize that even that dream looks different now than it did when we first started trying again. Then, Nathan was 1 1/2 years old. Now, he's 5 1/2. Our family is never going to look like I thought it should back then. There is going to be an age gap. It's the reality now.

4 years of SI. How much longer, Lord, will we have to wait?

First Day of [Summer] School

2010-06-01T19:42:00.010-06:00

Today my baby boy started real school. Our district offers a free Summer School program during the month of June, and since Nathan will be entering kindergarten in the fall, he was eligible. And he wanted to go. So we took him.

I walked my little boy across the parking lot... Up to the elementary school building... Down the hall to the kindergarten wing... Into his classroom... Over to his desk... And after a hug, I left him there. At school. All day.

I started to cry before I even left the building.

When I got home, the house was so quiet. I found myself worrying and praying for him all day long. I played June Cleaver and made cookies to have ready for him as an after-school snack. I anxiously awaited the time when I could go pick him up and hear all about his day. And when I arrived at the pick-up area, he was waiting for me with a big smile on his face.
When I asked him how he liked Summer School, he summed it up with one word, "AWESOME!"

I am one relieved mama tonight. And I think it will be just a bit easier to drop him off at Summer School tomorrow.

He Came, He Saw, He Graduated!

2010-05-29T20:31:00.013-06:00

Nathan graduated preschool last week!

It was such a sweet ceremony! The kids marched in, then shared what they wanted to be when they grew up. Nathan said he wanted to be a solider, but in class, he had told his teacher that he wanted to make movies, and that everyone should call him "Director Howell"! Then they sang some of their preschool songs. Finally, each of them got a "diploma", and the parents got a folder with selected papers from our child's preschool years. It was a very special evening.

Nathan singing during the ceremony. I thought it was neat that he was next to 2 of his best friends from church, Mady and Hailey!
Nathan and his teacher, Ms. Laurie. He went to her preschool for 2 years, and he loves her! She and I have become very good friends as well!
Nathan with some of his biggest fans:

Mommy and Daddy

Grandma and Grandpa

Papa and Nana

Group shot!

I love my little graduate!

Look out kindergarten, cause here he comes!

Not-Me Monday

2010-05-18T08:21:00.008-06:00

I've seen these on other blogs, where on Monday you share some things that you did NOT do over the past week... but you really did them all. So I decided to give it a try.

And how fitting that I would NOT do my first Not-Me Monday post a day late, on a Tuesday. That is just NOT like me at all!

Let's see... today did NOT begin with me sending my husband out at 1:30 in the morning for eye drops, because my eye was NOT killing me due to some wicked allergies (I think!). Due to my eye, I did NOT not get to sleep until 2:30 am, and I did NOT sigh a dejected sigh when Nathan jumped out of bed a little before 7:00 with his usual chipper get-up-and-go attitude.

I am so NOT not a morning person!

I did NOT burn Steve's toast this morning and I most defiantly did NOT set off the smoke detector. It did NOT continue beeping for so long that my husband finally removed the battery. And I did NOT use the whole thing as evidence in my impassioned plea for a new toaster... which we did NOT get as a wedding present. (And by the way, it has NOT been almost 12 years since our wedding. No way!)

I have NOT used more than the recommended dosage of those eye drops so far this morning trying to soothe my irritated eye. That's just NOT something I would do!

And it is NOT 9:30 and I am NOT still in my pajamas and I am NOT sipping chai tea and I am NOT ignoring my to-do-list.

And that's my first Not-Me Monday post... and it's NOT a day late!

AWANA Awards!

2010-05-12T20:44:00.009-06:00

Nathan had his award night at AWANA last week. He finished his 2nd year of Cubbies, and is ready for Sparks next year when he starts kindergarten!

Nathan and his Cubbies friends sang a song at awards night about Creation. They did a great job!

Then it was time to get his award. He earned his certificate, a blue ribbon for his Cubbie's vest, and a cute Cubbie cookie made by one of the directors. I think he was most excited about the cookie, but I made him show off the other awards too!

This is his Cubbie's vest, also known as the bane of my existence over the last 2 years. I had to sew all those patches on BY HAND. And I.DO.NOT.SEW! I was actually pretty proud of myself. I mean, it doesn't look too bad, does it?

And this is the backside. Don't you judge me! :) There's a reason that this side is hidden!

Congratulations Nathan!

With hope

2010-05-05T12:36:00.004-06:00

I do not grieve as one who has no hope... but I do still grieve.

My heart is heavy today. Heavy for my dear friends whose baby girl was stillborn. Heavy for another friend who is facing scary brain surgery. Heavy for friends who long for something they have not yet been given. Heavy for myself as I continue to be told, "Wait."

At times like this, it is comforting to me that the Bible does not tell us not to grieve. How could we not, when things like this happen? But the Bible does remind us that we do not grieve as one who has no hope. Our grief looks different from the grief of this world. And it is possible to be burdened with grief without having it consume us.

What makes the difference?

Hope.

My friends who's daughter was stillborn know this. They named their precious baby Madelyn Hope. Because even in the overwhelming sadness that they currently find themselves in, hope remains.

Many years ago, long before his own precious daughter died, Christian artist Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song called With Hope. The chorus of that song has a message for us all:

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

In the midst of this grief, I'm holding on to hope.
It may be all I've got... but it's enough.

Nathan Drumming Part 3

2010-04-26T11:04:00.003-06:00

Here's a new video of Nathan drumming for those of you who aren't on Facebook. Enjoy!

Medication Math

2010-04-23T10:41:00.004-06:00

It's finally happened. I have gotten to the point that I am on so many different medications that I have started forgetting what I have and have not taken. So yesterday, while I was at the pharmacy picking up the 2 new prescriptions that my doctor put me on for this round, I also picked up one of these:
Yeah... I did.

And I'll admit, I feel a bit silly broadcasting the fact that I cannot keep my medication straight to the world. But you know what? I can't keep my medication straight. And here's why:

I am currently taking 4 different medications. One I take once a day at night. One I take half a pill once a day in the morning. One I take 2 pills once a day at night. And one I take 1 pill twice a day in the morning and at night.

OR

1(n)+1/2(m)+2(n)+[1(n)+1(m)]= Huh?

I am not making this up.

So you can see what brought me to this point. I would need an advanced degree in either medicine or mathematics (or both!) to be able to keep this all straight on my own. And since both of those options are laughable for me (hello D in high school geometry!), I went with the more embarrassing, but less time-consuming option of pill box purchase.

At least it's pink. That's kinda cool, right?

RIGHT?

[Sigh]

I swear, if I ever do manage to get pregnant, I may never willingly take another pill again!

Round 2

2010-04-16T20:30:00.004-06:00

We found out this week, officially, that the first round of clomid did not work. I am not pregnant, and my monthly friend has not shown up... which means that round one was a bust. Bummer.

But, I have been to the doctor, and I have gotten a wonderful shot in my *ahem* hip, so now we wait. Wait for Cycle Day 1 again so we can start round two. Wait for Cycle Day 15 to get an ultrasound and see if the medication worked. Waiting to see if I ovulate. Waiting to see if I'm pregnant. Even when we're trying... we're waiting.

It can be so maddening.

But God is faithful to me in the wait. He brings peace, and hope, and even joy. He brings my blessings to mind, over and over again, so even in the wait I can be content. He is near to me when I'm on so many medications I don't even feel like myself anymore. He renews my strength when I feel like just giving up, and holds my hand throughout this roller coaster ride called infertility.

He gets it, you know? He gets me. And He cares.

And so the ride begins again.

Bring it on.

Milestone

2010-04-14T07:35:00.006-06:00

Look Ma! My tooth is GONE!

Can't see it? Well here's the super-duper-close-up view!

Yep, Nathan lost his first tooth yesterday at the playground. And I must say, he looks adorable with that little gap in the middle of his smile.

Beauty from Ashes

2010-04-11T06:49:00.003-06:00

One of the most beautiful promises in Scripture can be found in Isaiah 61:3:

[to] provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.

I find myself thinking of the beauty that God may want to bring out of the ashes of infertility in my life. For so many years, I just couldn't see it. What could possibly be beautiful about unfulfilled desire? What gladness could be found in the midst of mourning? And how can I possibly praise, when my spirit feels such despair?

But the longer I walk this path that God has placed me on, the more I catch glimpses of what He may be doing through it. I am so very grateful for the precious miracle that He has blessed me with. And while I know I would be grateful for Nathan if I weren't infertile, knowing first-hand what a miracle children are makes even the toughest days of parenting a joy.

I've also seen the beauty that comes from honesty and vulnerability... which encourages others to be honest and vulnerable too. Because we all have our ashes in our lives. But God has promised beauty to us all. And sometimes it's easier to see the beauty when we share our ashes with someone else and let them encourage us.

The beauty is all around me, but so often I am too busy smearing ashes on my forehead that I completely ignore the beautiful jewel-encrusted crown laying at my feet. And sometimes, I can't see the ashes of others through my own. We all have our stuff, and I don't want to be so focused on mine that I can't see the needs of those around me.

We have no trouble seeing our own ashes, do we? But the beauty may be harder to find.

I pray that God opens my eyes to the beauty He is bringing out of the ashes in my life. And I pray that He will give me the honor and privilege of caring for you through your ashes... and pointing you to the beauty trying desperately to shine through.

My little super hero is growing up!

2010-03-27T10:41:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was Nathan's kindergarten screening. He did wonderful! The only thing he "missed" was not putting ears on the person he drew. I managed not to roll my eyes when the lady told me that, but I was thinking it! :) He is very ready for kindergarten and he's excited about it!

Truth be told, I'm a nervous wreak. We have a good school district for a small town, and I plan on being one of those parents who are very involved with what's going on in the classroom. But I have all these worries surfacing that seem to be coming out of nowhere.

Will he make friends?

Will he like his teacher?

What kinds of new words and ideas will he come into contact with? (Good and bad!)

I know that putting him in public school is the right choice for him for now. (Though I am ready, willing and able to home school if we ever feel like that is in his best interest!) He is going to love kindergarten, and he has thrived in preschool, Sunday School, AWANA, and VBS. He's ready.

But it will be hard on me. I'll miss him. I've had him with me all day, everyday for over 5 years now. And though I know this is what is best for him, which makes me happy... selfishly I'm a little sad too. But I'll be ok.

Because my baby is growing up, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And he'll always be my baby! (Just don't tell him that!)

Not as bad as we thought

2010-03-24T07:39:00.003-06:00

I got a call from my RE's office late Monday afternoon, and the news was not as bad as we originally thought. My body did respond to the clomid, and I did have 2 follicles growing, one on each side, they just weren't big enough to trigger yet. Which means, there is a possibility that they will continue to grow and release on their own, and I will ovulate later in my cycle. But then again, maybe not. They just don't know. So at this point, we continue *ahem* trying, and if nothing happens by April 12th we call them back and we start the cycle again.

Today, I feel consumed by my desire to have another child. I love my family so much just as it is. We have a great family, a loving family who enjoy being together, and I just want to add another child to it. Not to fill a void or anything like that, but just to add to the good thing we already have going. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. For example, last night we went for a walk. Well, Steve and I walked while Nathan rode his bike. And I loved every minute of it. But at the same time, I was thinking about how much fun it would be if I were pushing a stroller. The scene was perfect just as it was and I enjoyed it fully, lacking nothing. But at the same time, I longed to add a baby in a stroller to the family moment. It's a strange place to be in. Contentment coupled with longing.

Today, God spoke to me through His Word, and gave me a verse to claim when I start to feel consumed. Lamentations 3:22 says: "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." In fact, Lamentations 3: 21-26 are some of my favorite verses in all of Scripture. When I was in college, I even wrote a song paraphrasing those verses, which I still sing today... on days like this, when left to my own devises I start to wallow in my unfulfilled desires. I know you can't hear the tune, but the words go like this:

Yet this I call to mind
And therefor I have hope.
Because of the Lord's great love
I will not be consumed.
For His compassions are
New every morning.
And He will be my portion
For today.

I am not destroyed

2010-03-22T13:28:00.007-06:00

Today was my RE appointment to see if the clomd worked for us this month. It did not. My body did not respond to the medication as hoped, and I did not have any mature follicles this month. I was very disappointed, of course. I cried some on the way home. But then the words to the song
"Trading my Sorrows" came to mind:

I'm pressed but not crushed
Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

I am pressed. I am struck down. I am in sorrow.
But I'm not crushed. I'm not destroyed. I'm not cursed.

One of the hardest things about infertility is the (seemingly) never-ending cycle of hope and despair. Repeating itself. Month after month, cycle after cycle. But God reminded me today that even in my sadness, His promise endures. Even in my sorrow, His joy is coming. Even though I feel alone, I am not abandoned. And He will be my joy, even now.

I am waiting to hear back from my doctor's office to talk about what to do next. This is only the first round we've tried with them, on the lowest dose of clomid. I imagine we will move on to another medication, a stronger medication, for the next round. So I'm not giving up. We're just going to try something new.

And in the meantime, I am realizing that there is more to my life than infertility. I'm going to keep pursuing a baby, whether biological or adopted (we're up for another staffing in April!). But I cannot let that be the end-all-be-all of my life. It can't be my only focus. God has given me this life to live, and right now, it includes infertility. Includes it, yes, but my life is not consumed by it.

I am disappointed. But I am not destroyed. Thank You, Lord.

Well duh!

2010-03-13T17:19:00.002-06:00

Do you every have one of those moments with God when you bang the heal of your hand on your forehead and say to yourself, "How could I have missed that?" I had one of those the other day.

But first, a little background. Most of you reading this blog know that we have been on a journey to have another baby. We've been trying for almost 4 years now. Infertility has not come as a surprise to us... I was actually told by my OB when I was 14 that I would probably have trouble having kids one day. Of course, I was 14, so whatever, right? And she didn't tell me why I might have trouble, so I had no idea what was wrong with me.

#1 was a clomid baby (a fertility drug, for those who aren't down with the lingo!), so when we started trying for #2 we talked to my OB and got started on clomid. But it didn't work. So we upped the dose. And it didn't work. We tired clomid about 9 cycles over the next 2.5 years, but it never worked for us. And then came the day our OB told us that he thought I had PCOS, but that I really needed to see a specialist, because he had reached the end of what he felt comfortable doing for me.

That was a crossroads for me. Steve and I had never been opposed to seeing a specialist, but because we do not have infertility insurance coverage, we didn't know how we would pay for it. We didn't just want to go into debt, because we didn't feel like that would be being a good steward of what God had given us. So, we put it off and just kept going with the OB.

But when my OB told us there was nothing more he could do, when we had reached the end of that journey and the door had closed, we called a specialist. I was excited to see someone who really would know what I had and how best to treat it. We knew it was the next step we were supposed to take. But we still didn't know where the money would come from. And we still didn't want to go into debt.

So we prayed. I can remember saying specifically to God, "We are more than willing to go to an RE, but You are going to have to provide the money, because we just don't have it."

Then we called the RE. And we met with him. And we started in on the tests and labs and even the surgeries he wanted to do.

But we still didn't know how we were going to pay the bills when they started rolling in.

About this time, we went to get our taxes done. Last year, we had been told by our accountant that we were not eligible for a certain tax credit. So this year, I just asked about it, wondering if we were eligible this year. Long story short, after many searches and phone calls, including to the IRS themselves, our accountant told us that we were eligible after all... and that we should have gotten it last year as well.

So not only did we get a hefty tax refund this year, but we also got to go back and amend 2008 to claim the credit that we did not get then. We got a double tax refund this year! And I praised God for it!

But I didn't recognize until just a couple days ago that God had very specifically answered my prayer about providing the money we need to pay for our treatment. Because when I wrote out all the bills we had gotten and the amounts due, I found that our tax refund would more than cover it. All of it. With money to spare.

Sometimes you have to just keep on walking through the open doors God places in front of you, even when you don't know how all the details are going to work out. We got to the point where our OB said we needed to see a specialist, and we started seeing one, all the while knowing that we were going to need a God-sized intervention to pay for it. And that's exactly what we got.

I may not know all of the situations that you are facing. I know some of them. And they just seem impossible, don't they? But I believe with everything in me that nothing is impossible with God. So take a breath, and take that next step, and then the next one, and then the next. Let Him lead you, even when you don't know where you are going or how you are going to get there. Follow hard after Him, and when something comes up that you know you can't solve on your own, pray about it and then leave it there with Him. He can handle it. He's a great big God... and He loves you.

Thank You, God for tangibly and specifically answering my prayer. I'm sorry it took me so long to recognize what You were up to!

I really should know better

2010-03-11T09:44:00.004-06:00

I'm watching Facing the Giants, which is a great movie. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. But I should know better than to watch it when I am already feeling emotional, because it always makes me cry. In a good way, yes. Because there is just so much I can relate too.

Of course there is the obvious infertility struggle that the main characters face... but that's not what is doing it to me today. It's the part about fear. When the coach says he's so tired of being afraid. And later, when the wife tells him, "I think this is where your fear and your faith collide."

I'm not cowering in a corner somewhere, sucking my thumb and crying because I'm so afraid. But I have been thinking about how often fear tries to hold me back from living life. It doesn't have to be big things. It can be the little, everyday fears that succeed in derailing me over time.

Like right now, writing this blog, there is a fear in me that I shouldn't share too much about my journey. Part of me is scared of being vulnerable, scared to put it all out there, because what if I tell you all about our current course of action... and it doesn't work. Then I'll have to share bad news over and over again. Do you really need to know it all? Is it any of your business?

Yet every time I remain silent for a time, God makes it very clear that I need to step out from my fear and be honest with you... because you need to hear it... and I need to share it.

I guess this is where my fear and my faith collide, in some small way.

So here we are, gearing up for our first cycle of infertility drugs with our new RE. After all the lab work and tests and even an unexpected surgery, we're finally ready to start trying to have another baby. And it scares me, because what if it doesn't work. After 4 years of trying for a 2nd child, after thousands of dollars, after all the physical and emotional and spiritual struggles we've endured, we're finally doing something again.

And I'm terrified.

I'm excited, of course! I'm hopeful, for the first time in a very long time. I'm glad to be done spinning my wheels and to have a plan that my RE is confident about. But I'm scared too.

Scared that it still won't work, and that we will have to come to grips with the fact that God didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted. Scared that someone out there in blog land would think less of me for some reason. That you would feel sorry for me. That you would pity me. Scared that I never will have good news to share, and scared about how that would affect me.

And you.

Yet, here I am, typing away, sharing our journey with you, because I really do want to be obedient. And for whatever reason, God has told me that I need to live this part of my life out on center stage. I don't know why. But I have to obey anyway.

My mom used to always say to me, "Grace, don't limit yourself." because she saw that I would let fear get in my way time and time again. But I don't want to limit myself... and I don't want to limit God. He has promised to do above and beyond what I can ask or even imagine. So I'm praying big prayers, for myself and so many others in my life. And I'm anticipating what He will do. And I'm praising Him and trusting Him and obeying Him no matter what.

And I'm inviting you to join me.

Don't be afraid.

Words of Wisdom

2010-02-26T09:06:00.002-06:00

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
Jim Elliot

I came across this quote the other day on the profile of an online friend, and it really spoke to my spirit. Jim Elliot, as some of you know, was a missionary who gave his life on the mission field. He had such a heart for a certain people group that he was willing to do anything, even give his life, to share the good news of Jesus with them. After his death, his wife and daughter were able to go and live with this people group, fulfilling the God-given mission that had started with Jim Elliot and his friends.

I have to wonder what longing Jim Elliot had in mind when he said that. Was he longing for this people group that he loved to accept the free gift of salvation? Did he say it during the time he was longing to be with the woman he loved but still felt called to singleness for the sake of the gospel? It could have been anything.

For me, my longing that threatens to slay the appetite of my living is my desire for a second child. If I am not careful, I can allow this desire to make me discontent with my life as it is here and now. That is not a place God wants me to be.

God, in His infinite wisdom, has ordained that this be a time of waiting for me. But during this time, He does not want me to take a break from the rest of my life. There are still things He wants me to do. There are still beautiful things to enjoy. There are still prayers to be prayed and people to be served. He is still God. And He has a plan.

So as I long, I pray that I will continue to live the full and abundant life that He has given me, and that He has promised to all those who follow hard after Him!

Yellow Roses

2010-02-24T08:54:00.006-06:00

I love yellow roses. They are my absolute, 100% favorite flower.

My husband knows this.

My son does too!

So sometimes on special occasions and random "just because" days, when the boys want to surprise me and show me love, I'll find some yellow roses on the table, usually with a cute little red-head peeking out from behind them with a big ol' grin on his face.

They know I love them! But I'm not sure even they know why.

I can remember very distinctly the first time I fell in love with yellow roses... at a time and place that may not make a lot of sense to anyone else. The first time I can remember seeing yellow roses was at my grand-daddy's funeral.

I was probably about 7 when my grand-daddy died, and it totally rocked my little world. I adored my grand-daddy, thought the sun rose and set with him, and when he died I was devastated. I don't remember much about the day of his funeral. I remember crying so hard and for so long that one of my aunts finally physically removed me from the room with his casket because she thought I was having a breakdown of some sort. I remember how waxy and un-life-like my always vivacious grand-daddy looked laying in that satin-lined box. I remember that he had on make-up, which I thought was scandalous and weird. And I remember the huge spray of flowers on his casket.

Yep, you guessed it... Yellow roses.

A gigantic (to my eyes) arrangement of sunny yellow that smelled heavenly. There were beautiful wide yellow ribbons intertwined in the flowers that said "Husband" and "Father" and "Grand-Daddy" in golden, glittery letters. (I still have the "Grand-Daddy" ribbon in a scrapbook). It was the most flowers I had ever seen in my life up to that point.

I thought it was gorgeous.

Maybe because everything else was so gray and sad and subdued, those yellow flowers made me feel better somehow. Calmer. Happier.

It was a hard, sad day. The first of many days like it in my life. But I have loved yellow roses ever since.

I have been given yellow roses by my boyfriend, my fiance, and my husband (yes... all the same guy!) I've been given yellow roses by my son. By my friends. By my parents. By my in-laws.

I've been given yellow roses on happy days, like graduations and Valentine's Day and Mother's Day and my birthday and the day my son was born.

I've been given yellow roses on sad days, like when I was sick and after surgeries and on emotionally hard infertility days and after my mom died.

I carried yellow roses on my wedding day... and then drove to the cemetery afterward to lay my wedding bouquet on my mother's grave.

I love yellow roses. They make me happy... or happier, even when I'm sad. They are the splash of color that make even the grayest days a little brighter. And they speak love and friendship and hope to me more than just about any other tangible thing.

Aren't they beautiful?

Disappointed, but not surprised.

2010-02-19T23:15:00.005-06:00

Today was the staffing for the baby girl we were being considered for, and though the committee really liked us, they did not select us to parent this precious one. And of course, I'm disappointed, but I'm really not surprised. We were one of 5 families being considered, including the baby's current foster family, so the odds were against us. And, the fact that we are not licensed to foster had an effect I'm sure. We are approved to adopt, but within the state system we just aren't going to rank as highly as those who are also approved to be foster parents.

Yes, we've thought about fostering. But with Nathan being as young as he is, we just can't see having children in our home who may not get to stay with us forever. Nathan prays for a brother or a sister daily... and I don't want to watch him learn to love a sibling and then have to say goodbye.

Honestly, I don't know if I could do that either.

So fostering is not for us, at least not right now. But I am thankful that we have gone through a staffing, because now we know better what to expect next time. And I am thankful that the committee liked us and enjoyed looking at our life book of family pictures and thought we were strong candidates, because maybe they will remember us in the future. And I am thankful that this beautiful baby girl is going to have a forever home.

God has such a plan for her.

And God has such a plan for us!

So really, I'm doing fine with it. Probably 6 months ago I'd be taking it a lot harder than I am today. But so many good things are happening with our new doctor too that there are still plenty of open doors to walk through.

Today, I find myself thankful for what I have been given:

Sometimes His love is just too overwhelming, you know?

Answered prayers

2010-02-14T12:55:00.003-06:00

I am thankful that God has been answering some of our prayers here lately. For awhile, it seemed like we were being bombarded on every side and that heaven was silent. But I knew then and I know now that He is there, listening, and that He has a plan that He will accomplish in His time, in His way.

Surgery went well on Friday. I appreciate the prayers. I am doing really good, still a little sore, but overall it has not been bad at all. Of course, I compare everything to breaking both my legs when I was pregnant... and NOTHING could be as bad as that, right? :)

The RE said that everything looks really good for the future. We will see him again in 2 weeks to discuss trying again for a baby. His plan is to do monitored clomid and trigger shot, and he seems very confident that it will work for us. I even said something about "if we get me ovulating" and he immediately said, "Not if... WHEN!" That's always good to hear!

God has also been answering some of our financial concerns. We know that since we do not have IF insurance coverage, a lot of my tests and procedures we'll be paying for ourselves. But, we just found out this week that we are getting a double tax return! It seems we did not get a tax credit last year that we should have, so our accountant went back and is getting us the credit from last year in addition to this year! What a blessing! I think God withheld that refund last year because He knew we would need it this year. We just praise Him for His provision in the most unlikely ways!

This Friday is the staffing for the 6-month-old baby girl we are being considered for. Evidently, there were lots of couples interested in being considered, and they chose 5 to be at the staffing. So just the fact that we are one of the 5 is a huge deal! Please pray for those who will be deciding on Friday which couple will get to adopt baby girl. Of course, we pray that it will be us! But we are praying with open hands, trusting that whatever happens, God's plan will be accomplished for this child. He knows just where she needs to be. And if it's not with us, then we'll accept that.

But if it is with us... well, that would be just AWESOME!

Big Fridays

2010-02-11T21:19:00.002-06:00

The next couple of Fridays are going to be big for us. Tomorrow, I will be having surgery at 7:30 am. I would appreciate your prayers for a quick procedure and speedy recovery.

Then next Friday, February 19th, we will be taking part in a staffing for a 6-month-old baby girl currently in state custody. We are one of 5 families being considered as an adoptive family for this baby. Of course, we are so excited to have been selected for this staffing! And of course, we would love to be the family chosen to adopt this precious little one.

But what we want most of all is God's will. That is our prayer; this His will be done. He has a plan for this baby... and He has a plan for us.

The Lost-Then-Found-Ring

2010-02-02T20:35:00.004-06:00

This is a true story... of a missing ring. This ring:
My mom's engagement ring. My ring.

Sunday I was getting ready for church. After washing my hands and putting lotion on them, I picked up my ring to put it back on and promptly dropped it. I heard it hit something, but when I bent down to pick it up, I could.not.find.it. ANYWHERE.

Now my bathroom is very small. But the ring was nowhere to be seen. I looked everywhere. Then I had Nathan come help me look. Then I called Steve at church and had him come home and help me look. Then after church we asked Casey, Steve's best friend and the youth minister at our church, to help us look. But we could not find the ring.

It was as if it had vanished into thin air. I dumped the trash can and picked my way through each piece by hand... four times. Steve took apart the bathroom sink. We bounced other rings to see where it could have gone. But we could not find it.

So the next day, we had a plumber come out with one of those scope things. And he sent that scope 10 feet down our heating vent, but there was no ring. Just to be sure, we vacuumed the vent out and then ran our hands through all the dust and dirt, but there was no ring. So next he scoped our toilet... and went out about 35 feet. No ring.

Steve and I were stumped. Casey was stumped. The plumber was stumped. But God was in control.

I called for some prayers to go up on my behalf, and my friends and family got busy. Because this wasn't just a ring, it was my last tangible link to my mom, my best friend. It was what my dad lovingly bought for her when they decided to get married. It was what she had worn for over 25 years of marriage. It was what she left to me when she knew she was dying of cancer. And it was what I put on the day she died and have worn almost every day since.

Yeah... I lost that ring.

But after all the looking and crying and praying, Steve found my ring. It was underneath the sink cabinet, behind the baseboard, back almost to the wall and around a corner. For whatever reason (God!), Steve got the idea to pry off a section of the baseboard, and use the mirror from my compact and a flashlight to see around the tight corner. And there it was... shining in all it's brilliance.

And there was much rejoicing!

But then he had to figure out how to actually get it. He couldn't fit his hand in, and the only way he could see it was using the mirror. He had to straighten and flatten a coat hanger, make a little hook on the end of it, and then use a piece of chewed gum (my contribution) stuck to the hook to grab that ring. But it worked. It finally worked.

McGyver has nothing on my Steve!

And then he came out to me, got down on one knee, and held up my ring. I burst into tears again. I was just that happy!

Now when I look down at my left hand and see this:
I not only remember my own wedding vows, and the vows of my parents, and my mom whom I love, but I am reminded that great big mighty God loves me enough to look down from His throne to where I am, and meet me there.

And I am reminded that nothing is impossible with God.

NOTHING!

It's all about hymn?

2010-01-21T13:42:00.004-06:00

You know that Baptist hymn "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus"? The one with the chorus that goes like this:

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him?
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
O for grace to trust Him more!

Well... I used to tease my music minister husband that I didn't like when we sang that song in church, because all he was doing was informing everyone, from the stage, that his wife Grace needed to trust God more. (O for Grace (me) to trust Him more! Get it?) And I was joking, but when we came to that line it would always make me duck my head and smile a little.

So last night, I was leading the kids in a couple of worship songs at AWANA, and we did a VBS song from a couple years ago called
"Jesus Is". And right in the middle of that song, we sing the chorus to "Tis so Sweet". So we're singing and the kids are into it and there aren't motions during the hymn part... and when we got to that last line... and we sang "O for grace to trust Him more", I realized that God was telling me that I DO need to trust Him more.

And as we sang that line, I pointed to myself and shrugged my shoulders a little, right there on the stage. The kids probably didn't even notice it. But I know some of the adults, especially those who know our current situation, did. And they smiled. And I was encouraged to know that they GET IT. They understand. They care. And they are praying.

Sometimes it's hard to live out a private struggle like infertility in the public eye, especially as a minister's wife. But I think God is having me go through this, publicly, for my benefit... so I know I'm not alone. And I think God is having me go through this, publicly, for your benefit... so you know you're not alone either.

We've all got our stuff that we are struggling with. We all have our times of doubt and fear. We all feel alone sometimes. But God is with is, and He has placed us in community with each other, so we can help and encourage each other. So we can mourn with each other, and celebrate with each other, and learn more about Him while we're living life with each other.

Waiting is so hard!

2010-01-18T20:35:00.002-06:00

This week I have heard joyous news from a couple friends of mine who know the heartache of longing for a child, yet having to endure years of waiting before God answers their prayers. I am rejoicing because I know how long they've waited, and how much they've wanted, and I praise God for His graciousness to them.

And then in the very next breath I admit that I feel overlooked again, like the last one picked for dodge ball or the wallflower hugging the wall at the dance, watching the happy couples waltz by. It's not that I wish someone else was in my place and I was in theirs. I don't want to switch places with someone else. I wish NO ONE had to be here. But here I am...

...Still waiting for my miracle.

...Wondering why God, in His goodness and wisdom, has not yet chosen to answer the deepest desire of my heart.

...Trying to trust that EVEN IN THIS, He has a plan.

Please pray for Haiti

2010-01-16T22:13:00.002-06:00

I just can't seem to wrap my head around the devastation in Haiti. 45,000-50,000 people dead. Bodies littering the streets. Families sending their children off on planes without them, just so they can have a chance at safety and health. It breaks my heart in a million pieces.

I have been reading the blog of a missionary family on the ground in Port Au Prince, Haiti. The stories they are sharing are... well... there are no words. On January 14th, Tara wrote:

"If you don't speak Creole/Kreyol AND/OR don't have the ability to work with injured people - you should NOT come. We cannot feed you and we don't have a place to house you."

I remember what Hurricane Katrina did to our country, the devastation that was left in the wake of that storm. It rocked us to our core. And yet we had the ability to help our own people. We had places for volunteers to go and serve, and we had programs and resources that did not work perfectly, but were in place to assist those affected.

Look what that did to us, the richest country in the world. Now imagine what it must be like to face something of this magnitude in one of the poorest countries in the world.

Please pray for Haiti. Please give what you can. Because what happens to "the least of these" affects us all.

Step by Step

2010-01-12T00:04:00.004-06:00

We mailed our life book today to our caseworker. We also submitted our home study to be considered for another child in state custody. I was told by my RE that I needed to have an outpatient surgery, so I scheduled that today.

We just keep taking the next step, trusting that God goes before us. He has a plan.

It's never easy

2010-01-09T00:18:00.002-06:00

I think one of the things that is the hardest about this infertility journey is learning how to feel two (seemingly) opposite emotions at the same time. It crops up in so many ways:

Being content with my family as it is now, but desiring another child with everything in me.

Being happy for someone who is pregnant, but being sad that I'm not.

Learning to take care of my body, yet resenting the fact that my body has failed me.

Loving children and being good with them and enjoying being around them, but knowing that even though every kid I meet loves me, God still has not allowed me to have another one of my own.

Feeling like I should be doing something to make this happen, but knowing that there is nothing I can do.

Getting excited about the possibility of adopting a child, but still wanting to have another biological child.

Finding a doctor who gives us hope about trying for another biological child, but still wanting to give an orphaned child a forever home.

Believing that God is good all the time, even when He says "Wait"... or "No".

Trusting Him even when it seems hopeless.

Praising Him, not only for what He does, but for Who He is.

Resting in Him... even in the midst of all this.

It's in the mail!

2010-01-05T09:19:00.002-06:00

Our LifeBook, that is. We put together a photo album of family pictures on Snapfish.com, and we ordered it a couple days ago. As soon as we receive it and look it over, we will send it on to our case worker at the Missouri Baptist Children's Home. She will keep it, and at the staffing at the end of January, she will use it to introduce us to the staffing committee. Some of you have asked if we will be in attendance at the staffing, and we will not. But our case worker will talk them through our book and answer any questions they have about us. They will have access to our home study as well. After the staffing, they will notify us of their decision. And that's all I know so far. It's a brand new process for us so we really are learning as we go. But I am so thankful to have a friend who works "in the system" who can explain the process to us, as well as a case worker who has a lot of experience with state custody cases as well.

Crazy times, eh?

I know that the odds are against us actually getting the boys. But honestly, we want what is best for them. And if the staffing committee feels that remaining with their foster family is in the best interest of the boys, that's what we want to. But, if the staffing committee feels that we are the best choice of a family for the boys, then we are ready for that. It would mean a lot of adjustments, but the Lord will equip us for whatever he calls us to!

I may have spoke too soon...

2009-12-31T22:32:00.003-06:00

... because just a few days after I posted my last entry, we got a call from our case worker. And, it turns out, we WERE selected to be part of the staffing for the 2 brothers! The staffing will be at the end of January, and it is down to only two families; us... and the current foster family. So, the probability will be that the foster family will get to adopt the boys, and we know that. But I can't tell you how exciting it is to actually be selected for something!

On this, the last night of 2009, I can't help but wonder where this next year will take us. I hope and pray that 2010 will include another baby (or 2!) for us, but God has not yet clued me in on all the details, that's for sure. But if there is one thing I have learned over the past 16 years of walking with the Lord, it's this: My God is able; my God is faithful; and my God is sovereign. I trust Him, and I yield all my tomorrows into His hands.

Recent Happenings

2009-12-21T10:16:00.003-06:00

Lots of things have been happening lately in regard to our quest for another baby. We have submitted our home study to be considered for 3 babies currently in state custody. However, in both cases (2 of the babies were siblings) the current foster family was also interested in adopting the children so we were not selected. But, it has been very good for us to learn more about the way things work at the state level, and to get our home study "out there", to introduce ourselves to more social workers and others who work to get children in forever homes.

We have also had our first appointment with a specialist, a reproductive endocrinologist. We really like the doctor we went to! He is treating my overlying condition first and foremost, and treating my infertility for what it is... one of many side effects caused by my PCOS. I've started medication for the PCOS, and I'm learning about some changes in my diet and exercise habits that can have a profound effect on my condition and my overall health. It's been interesting, to say the least! I have one more big test to do before we start on the doctor's infertility plan for us, which includes monitored fertility drugs and shots. Our doctor is hopeful that that will be all it will take for us, and of course we are too!

For a time, we thought insurance was going to help pay for some of the diagnostic work, but because our doctor is an RE, the insurance company is considering all of it as infertility, and therefor they will not pay any of it. This was disappointing to us, because we were led to believe that treating the PCOS would not fall under infertility. But, even with this setback, we are choosing to praise God because we know He just loves to show off how BIG He is. We started a "Baby Fund" to pay for all our tests and doctor's appointments, and it's been amazing to see how God has allowed that fund to grow!

Thanks for hanging in there with us, for your interest and your prayers. We are hoping that 2010 will be our year! :)

Christmas Favorites

2009-12-04T15:34:00.008-06:00

We decorated the house for Christmas this past weekend, and I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite Christmas things!

2 Favorite Ornaments This is Steve and I as a couple of hippies! These ornaments were made for us by a dear college friend and given to us as a wedding present. Every year they get a place of honor near the top of the tree.

This was a bookmark given to us by the funeral home after my mom's death. Steve and I made it into an ornament and began hanging it on our Christmas tree each year as a reminder of my mom during Christmas, her favorite time of year.

2 Favorite Nativity Scenes My mom gave me this Precious Moments Nativity set as a Christmas present the last Christmas she was alive. It is very special to me not only because it was a gift from my mom, but also because it helps me remember the One whose birth we celebrate with child-like awe and wonder at Christmas. The cloth it is sitting on is also special to us, as it was given to Steve and I by some Romanian missionaries as a thank-you for leading them in worship during a retreat in Romania.

Steve's parents gave us this Nativity set. It was handmade in Kenya, and my in-laws bought it during the time they were living in Kenya. It helps me remember that we have brothers and sisters all over the world who worship the One True God with us.

2 Favorite Boys These 2 may be goofs, but they have my heart, always and forever!

Family Circus

2009-11-17T15:31:00.006-06:00

We went to the Shriner Circus in Kansas City this past weekend with a group of friends from church. We were given free tickets, which is always nice! The circus was amazing and we had such a great time hanging out with everyone. I thought I'd share a couple of family pictures with those of you who are not on Facebook! :)

Teeter-Totter

2009-11-10T09:17:00.003-06:00

There are times when I feel very content with having only 1 child. I still desire another one, but I'm content, you know? I think about all the good things about having an only child. He gets uninterrupted time with both parents, our home is much more tranquil without siblings arguing with each other, we are able to afford to live on one salary, etc. Our son is a joy and we delight in him fully. I love our family just as we are.

Then there are other times when the desire for a second child is like a punch in the gut, it hits me and takes my breath away and demands my total attention! Sometimes it creeps up in jealousy when I see other families who have 2, 3, 4 or more children, and I wonder why I can't just have one more. Sometimes it manifests itself in doubt, when I start to wonder why God won't just heal my body and let us conceive again. Sometimes it's sadness, when I look at my son and wonder if he will ever get the chance to be a big brother, if he will ever have a little brother or sister to adore.

It's like being on an emotional teeter-totter. Up... Down. Up... Down. But at least I'm at the point where my up days happen a lot more often than my down ones. And I am so thankful for that!

The Little Prince

2009-11-03T13:49:00.004-06:00

Nathan was Prince Caspian from Narnia for Halloween, and he looked so adorable! He has been very in to knights lately, so we were very excited to find this costume on sale. We didn't let him wear it until his Halloween party at school, but now he puts it on every day! You can tell by looking at him how strong and brave he feels when he has it on!

Nathan's preschool class all dressed up on their party day!

When strangers become angels...

2009-10-28T12:07:00.005-06:00

Just another day in the life of me. It's never boring, I'll say that!

So last night Steve went to the Missouri Baptist Convention annual meeting, and Nathan and I decided to use our night without dad to do some birthday shopping for Steve. We headed to St. Joseph, which is about 30 minutes away. We got to the store, looked around, selected a gift, and took it up to pay... and then I realized that my wallet was not in my purse! As soon as I noticed it was missing, I knew exactly what had happened and where it was - on my counter at home! I felt so silly but I told the cashier that we would not be able to purchase it and we got in the van to head home.

It was then that I realized that I was almost out of gas. The gauge was in the feared red zone, and the annoying little light that likes to remind you to get gas was lit up. I did not have near enough gas to get home... and I had no wallet. No credit card. No cash. No nothing. I did have my cell phone with me. (thank You, Jesus!) However, I have a Go-Phone and I literally had about $2.00 left on it. So I called Steve (cause I can call him for free!). And called. And called.
And called. Of course he had his phone off - he was in a meeting! So finally I texted him and wrote: "Call Grace cell NOW!" Poor Steve. I think I may have given him a mild heart attack when he read that text AND noticed that I had called 18 times in less than 5 minutes.

He ended up calling some dear friends of ours in our town to see if they would be willing to drive up and rescue me. They happened to know someone in St. Joe who they called and who graciously agreed to drive to McDonald's and bail out a stranger. I thought the entire McDonald's crew was going to burst into applause when the kind tennis coach gave the crying woman and her very patient son $20 for gas. I had to hug the guy. Seriously, I was just so thankful.

So thanks to Steve, Lila, and Lanny for helping organize our rescue. Thanks to Nathan for being patient during our adventure. Thanks to God who bends His ear to hear our cries and provide for our needs. And thank you, Tom, my stranger angel. May you be blessed, as you have blessed me.

We have a 5-year-old in the house!

2009-10-12T11:32:00.011-06:00

Nathan's birthday was October 8th, and we had so much fun celebrating with him! His birthday was on a Thursday this year, which just happens to be Steve's day off, so we spent the entire day together. The day began with a Daddy/Son trip to our local donut shop. Because this shop is owned by church members, and because Nathan was sporting his "Birthday Boy" T-shirt, they gave them all their donuts for free, and even threw in a cookie for good measure! So sweet!

Then when Nate got home, he got his gift from Steve and I... which was this:

Yes, a brand new big-boy bike. He was so excited, and of course he wanted to go out and ride it right away... and of course it was raining, but we didn't let that stop us! We took him out and let him ride back and forth under our overhang in the front of the house. He did so good! Then we headed to Kansas to eat lunch at T-Rex, an awesome dinosaur-themed restaurant. Nathan really liked that too. And again, because of his T-shirt, the waiter brought him a free dessert for his birthday!

After lunch, we drove back to the Missouri and spent a couple hours playing games at Chuck E. Cheese. And again, because of the free advertising on his T-shirt, he was given some free tokens to add to the 50 we purchased. Whew! All 3 of us had fun playing games together. Nathan especially liked playing air hockey with Daddy, and beating him 3 out of 4 games!

After all that, we drove over to Steve's parents house for a birthday dinner with them. Vivian had made homemade chicken nuggets, which Nathan deemed, "the best nuggest EVER!", as well as a super-cool birthday cake. And, they gave him two new BibleMan DVDs, which he was very excited about! And even after all that, the birthday celebrations were just getting started. Stay tuned for birthday party pictures coming soon!

This guy gets it!

2009-09-29T10:22:00.004-06:00

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
-C. S. Lewis-

I saw this quote today on a wonderful online support forum that I belong to, and it really touched my heart. Because C.S. Lewis gets it. He gets me. This is right where I am.

I have come through the doubt and the fears that God's plans for me are something I just have to settle for. I've accepted the fact that what the Bible says about God's plans for me are true, that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to bring me hope and a future. So at this time, in this place, I'm not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for me... but oh how I wonder how painful His best will turn out to be.

He has promised me many things... but He has never promised me that His best for me will be easy. Or fun. Or what I would have chosen if I were in control of it all. Because infertility hurts, and it's hard, and it can drag me down quicker than anything else right now. But God is still God, and God is still good. And God has His best in store for me. Whatever that may be.

Help me to walk with my head up, Lord, secure in the knowledge that You are doing the best for me. And when it gets painful, because it will... I'm going to need Your help to get me through it. And I'm going to trust that You have a plan in it all, even the hard stuff, and that Your plans are ALWAYS for my best. Everything for my good, all for Your glory. You are showing me that this is true. Thank You.

I'm Feeling It

2009-09-26T08:33:00.003-06:00

In my life right now, there are many people, friends and family, who are either pregnant or who have just had babies. It comes with being the age I am. It's something that is always around me. And some of those people have expressed concern to me about their good news causing me pain in my current infertility journey. But in response I can honestly say, please don't worry about that. It's true I want another baby. I want one more than anything else in this world. But I don't want other people to NOT have babies just because I can't, if that makes any sense. I have learned long ago in this infertility struggle that other people's stories really have no bearing on my own. It wouldn't make me feel good if someone else couldn't get pregnant. Those I know who are also infertile, I pray every day that they will have babies soon. Those I know who are fertile, I don't wish away their fertility. So please don't worry about YOUR story causing me pain.

That being said, in this moment, MY story is causing me some pain. I'm just feeling really hopeless about ever having another baby right now. It seems everything we try (biologically, adoption, even going through the state) is coming up empty. I'm not sure what else I can do... and that's a scary place to be. But it's here, when I'm at the end of what I can do, that my fear and my faith really collide. Am I going to trust in myself and what I can make happen? Or am I going to trust in the God who loves me and really does have a plan for my good? And if God's plan for me is to only have 1 miracle baby, can I accept that as His best for me? I don't want to spend my whole life longing for more than what God wants to give me. I don't want to live my life mired in discontentment.

Please know that I am rejoicing with those who rejoice. And please know that I covet your prayers as I mourn.

First Day of School 2009

2009-09-22T13:12:00.009-06:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated the old blog. It's not that nothing has been going on... but rather that so much has been going on that I don't have the time or energy to tell you about it! Very selfish of me, I know. But, I vow to do better, so I'm going to let my photos do the talking for me this time around and share some pictures of Nathan (and friends and teachers) on his first day of preschool this year. Enjoy!

Saying goodbye

2009-09-08T14:42:00.005-06:00

Sunday we said goodbye to our good friends, our pastor and his family. They are moving overseas to continue serving God in a new place. Over 5 years ago, when Steve was interviewing for the Minister of Music job at the church, Jay and Michele were the first people we actually met with face-to-face. Steve and Jay really got along great, and Michele and I bonded over Sonic drinks, which we both are slightly addicted to. They have been our co-laborers, our encourages, and our friends ever since. And even though they are no longer serving in the same place, we are thankful that through the miracle of technology, we can stay connected. We love you, JMjm! We'll be praying for you!

The 3 Amigos (and families!)

The Ministerial and Office staff

Life 180 Promo!

2009-09-03T10:24:00.002-06:00

Check out this promo for our monthly contemporary service, Life 180! Be sure and watch all the way to the end! Those of you in the Cameron area, I hope you can join us Saturday night!